adsum | npc contact.1

( komaeda will be gambling at the vending machine until he's lucky enough for the dragonfruit bread. )

...It was always about you.

( why is he saying that? the fact that komaeda is even here to begin with, it had something to do with him. consciously, komaeda baits, subconsciously... this is how he shows that he cares in a way. on one hand, he feels he should have taken another route, and on the other... he doesn't even know what the other is, because to him, he's incapable of having proper feelings. his thoughts, his feelings, why would rokkun want to hear something he doesn't understand? he's always been told he was inconsiderate, but the times that he does try...

like now, it doesn't work in his favor. )

...If that's how you view me, why did you expect it now?

[ It's always about him? That doesn't make any sense, but Komaeda is hard to follow sometimes and Rokkun... doesn't really know what to think or prefer. Like that Achilles song that goes
"You crave the applause
Yet hate the attention
Then miss it, your act is a ruse" ]

I can hope, can't I? That someday you'll talk to me.

I'm talking to you now.

( yes, well, the topic was always about him, and that's why komaeda came here today. he feels like they've gotten off topic, that the avenue they're supposed to be walking side by side has a bit of construction work, and so they must take a detour. )

Do you remember, I asked for you to tell me what's on your mind... so you told me to walk you to the exit every day. That never happened. That might have been the "someday," but it's out of our reach.

( because he doubts rokkun is up to do it now, say what's on his mind, how that song of achilles verse sits in his head. ) Do you really know the end of the story I was telling you about?

[ It doesn't feel like talking— communicating— it feels more like speaking at each other and he can't even say it's all on Komaeda. He doesn't talk about his own thoughts either, doesn't have anybody to talk about that stuff with, and even when Komaeda asks, it's hard to tell if he cares.

Even right now, when he's thinking of so much that they're all jumbled in his head, he doesn't know how to voice it, staring down at the skeletons of buildings on his paper. ]

...I'm a child walking through the forest. It's dark, and I'm trying to get home. I come across a cairn, but can't tell which way to follow it... I always choose the wrong direction. At the end of the path is a den, and a— [ ... ] ...There's pain. In my chest, on my side, and I'm running until I'm out of breath. Then the world disappears beneath my feet. And I wake up.

[ He looks up, and over at Komaeda. ]

It's a dream I've been having for the past few nights.

...

( that chance to understand, to communicate was such a long time ago, that even now the way they talk just feels like... them. komaeda doesn't understand feelings, but he tends to understand how people are at the moment.

the story however, it's familiar, one that could fill in the gaps. wasn't he supposed to be playing, but in this version he was lost. couldn't find his way back home, stumbled upon a... )

Suffering from nightmares, Hinata-kun used to tell me the same thing. It was my fault, though.

( he stands up, looking at the other, he can't tell whether rokkun's mad, or if he's disappointed, or if komaeda was right and he thinks differently now. )

My story, and your story... there's a few differences. ( many. ) Close your eyes.

[ Komaeda would give people nightmares.

It's an idle thought that passes through his head, a twinge of envy and then snuffed out. He's good at forgetting, and does his best to look forward at all times instead of behind him, but it's hard to forget dreams that come night after night.

It's hard to close his eyes without hesitating for a moment first, lids sliding shut and in the darkness he can still see that giant gnarled tree, the carcasses in its hollow, the eyes that caught his and had rooted him to the spot just long enough. ]

( he doesn't look peaceful with his eyes closed, and komaeda's eyes are sharp as he watches him. like he's waiting for something to change, and yet it never comes. )

Those lights from before were souls... I didn't feel a thing.

( if rokkun wants to hear about how heartless komaeda is, how he's the worst for not caring about much. then he can admit this. ) What was I? When all lights extinguish...

( he reaches out, grabbing rokkun's hand, holding it up between them. he doesn't check on his tallies, he instead is trying to pull back rokkun's fingers so he can expose his palm. )

Aren't I a horrible person?

[ The fingers in that fist reflexively curl in surprise before relaxing again, and Rokkun almost opens his eyes but squeezes his eyes shut tighter, because when somebody asks you to close their eyes, there's that unspoken "until I tell you to open them"

Little lights in the darkness are a better image to focus on than what he had before. It reminds him of fireflies in the forest at night, catching them and keeping them in a jar and the next day they'd be dead, suffocated. The only feeling then would be disappointment, which is somehow worse than nothing at all.

Yes. No. Both answers are on the tip of his tongue. What happened to death being a stepping stone? ]

...It's because they were just lights. Strangers in a crowd... When you get to know somebody, though, and see them, give them importance, you'll feel it when their light is extinguished.

( strangers in a crowd? then they were all nobodies to komaeda, parts of the world that held no meaning whatsoever, but that could have been different for everyone else. as for komaeda, each one of those lights... )

I was excited to crush them, I didn't have the luxury of experiencing something so simple. How I felt... ( because death is a stepping stone, and no matter if he's wrong or if he's right — he abides by hope, so he's always been... good. ) I enjoyed myself!

( and because they were souls with no actual form for him to care about, he would have sniped others if given the chance. )

To be seen isn't anything like seeing, to notice someone... they stand out compared to the rest. ...If that's true, out of all those lights, the one that stood out first was... you.

( glad that rokkun knows the rules to keeping his eyes shut until komaeda says so, because he's going to start by looking under his wristband to check his tallies as he speaks. this way he doesn't have to see komaeda doing it, but he sure as hell will feel it. )

Let's sneak out tonight, they won't be the same, but lights are lights. You weren't there when we saw them at first, but we can see them together.

[ Like a little kid squashing ants under their thumb on the pavement, is what comes to mind when Komaeda says he enjoyed extinguishing the lights. ...He's not sure what to think when he's compared to a light himself, one that stood out and was noticed.

The wristband lifts just enough for Komaeda to catch a glimpse of the inner wrist— still covered with innumerable cuts both deep and shallow, old and new, but none so new that they're actively bleeding like they were last time. That's as much as he gets before Rokkun both pulls his left arm back, and grips Komaeda's wrist with his right, not needing to see to know where his hand is. ]

Stop. [ ... Slowly, he lets go of Komaeda's wrist. ] We can watch the stars from the roof. But that's as close as you and I will be able to see that together.

Would you like to see mine, I've looked at yours time and time again... ah wait, here.

( he pauses, because his own arm is still tender from the new set he acquired from rokkun's memory, a twisted reminder of what the other has left on him. as rokkun let's go of his wrist, komaeda's slowly digging in his pocket as he they converse, watching as the other keeps his eyes closed. good boy! he pulls out the wishing rock that he obtained, and he sets it down into the male's hand. cold fingers push against rokkun's own, hoping it's enough to make him hold the item tight in his grasp. )

We may not be able to wish on any stars, but if we use this... we can give you sweet dreams, at least for once.

( the stars are as much as they can see, and he wants to comment about his own concerns while going, but... maybe they'll be lucky, and none of them will shift through the sky. it makes his stomach turn uncomfortably despite the fact he suggested it, and he chuckles softly because if he has someone else to focus on, it shouldn't be that bad. )

If not, stabbing myself can work, too.

[ He doesn't particularly care to see, but he doesn't get the chance to say so before the stone is set in his hand, and he immediately recognizes the shape and the heft for what it is, for how long he had held onto his.

Wishing his nightmares away would be a waste, but he can't help but feel comforted by the fact that Komaeda would waste a wish on him. ]

How would stabbing yourself work? [ He wants to open his eyes SO BAD so he can squint at Komaeda for this stupid idea ] As if watching you hurt yourself doesn't give me nightmares as it is.

...It shouldn't hurt you, Rokkun.

( can he say that when he saw rokkun hurt not once, but twice... how it felt like nails and wires dug into his heart, an uncomfortable feeling that he tries to forget. he could wonder if the other gets those, or if komaeda's breaking a little... not too sure how to parse such an itch in his chest. probably not, he suffers from the same arrangement of simple troubles that happen to be nightmares. )

I can guarantee you something at the cost of my life, or just inflicting pain on myself. It'll hurt, but if it's to help your hope, to give you at least one night without those terrors. Wouldn't that grow our bond, give you strength for another day?

( he has the rock, and still didn't even open his eyes... he has dog energy. )

I can even do it while your eyes are shut, then you'd never know!

[ The temptation to open his eyes so he can throw the rock at Komaeda's face—- ]

It does, though. Whether you go through with the act, or just talk about, or even think about throwing away what's left of your life or hurting yourself on purpose. I'd rather have the nightmares... because when I wake up, things are still okay.

( HE BRUISES EASILY, why does rokkun want to hurt komaeda so bad... isn't saying this enough.

...

at least rokkun can wake up and things are okay, at least he has that. komaeda's different, he doesn't have that luxury, and nor is his life worth anything. that's why it's so easy to throw away. )

...Do you wish you never met me?

( that way he wouldn't have to hurt, or have to say the things he says now, he could block out everything like komaeda does.

he takes a step forward, getting in his personal space to lean closer. without warning, komaeda places his head against rokkun's chest to try and listen to his heartbeat. )

No, I would nev—

[ his voice cuts out at the warmth and the weight against his chest, heartbeat quickening and he has no doubt that Komaeda would be able to hear it and feel it.

He cracks open an eye to see what's going on— but just barely, in case Komaeda is looking somehow and he can pretend he didn't do that— but all he sees is the top of his head, closer than he's ever been, and he has to force his arms still before they're tempted to wrap around him and keep him there.

Eyes closed again. ]

You know I would never.

( why does it do that, and part of him doesn't understand why he's doing this himself. the last time he checked his heart, it stopped, a telltale sign that he was dead, but peaceful despite the loss. as of right now, his body isn't cold, his heart beats desperately in his ears, and komaeda remains there trying to recall something: )

We found someone in the ice cold river, and it was being taken away by the currents... I was carrying Sakasaki-kun, Adams-san is blind so she wouldn't have made it, Hinata-kun was carrying Adams-san...

...

...

The lack of care I have for my life, and can you believe...

( he pauses, and luckily komaeda doesn't care for personal space so this isnt odd for him. he peels himself off the other before rokkun's arms have a mind of their own. within their conversation, his breathing's audible between every few words, voice still slow. )

You can open them now.

[ They came across a murder scene... this never happened in Rokkun's dreams or experiences... don't just trail off like that

It's cold and empty when Komaeda pulls away, and Rokkun breathes out before he opens his eyes, blinking back the pain the bright light causes until his eyes readjust before finding Komaeda's eyes.

? ]

I touched you, and your body tore... but I wouldn't let you go, and Adams-san was determined to keep you from tearing in half like we previously seen... ( despite the conversation, he manages to smile because it's what he's used to. ) so she used my jacket to... stop you from bleeding. Ah, make sure you thank her when you see her.

( he doesn't feel guilty, he thinks, and he knows rokkun won't let him. sadly, it's familiar... being close enough to see him suffer again, to know that he's constantly part of why the other goes through so much pain.

that's the life in the day of komaeda, does anyone know happiness around him? )

Now... When you opened your eyes, the expression you wore then doesn't match the one now.

[ This got gruesome fast; he's imagining being torn in half like SMT's pisaca or something, but... It's not something that happened. Look at him now: he's fine. Confused, but fine. ]

What did I look like...?

I could tell... immediately who you were, as for the others... I believed Sakasaki-kun was smart enough to figure it out, but as for Adams-san and Hinata-kun; they were unaware. Color was drained from your face, ( komaeda raises a hand to lightly run his own cool fingers against the warm skin of his cheek ) the only thing about you was the color red... and maybe you were around the age of fifteen? I couldn't ask. You didn't notice us, or say a lot... all you said was that...

( he crosses his arms, thinking how he should have brought that jacket with him. )

You were cold.

[ Okay, so, this thread would have been Very different if Komaeda had walked into the room with a bloody jacket. There would have been a lot more yelling, compared to the silence that Rokkun falls into now. The mention of being cold doesn't surprise him, considering the fact that he was apparently dying, and at the age of fifteen...

... ]

Why... were you able to see that? Nobody was supposed to be there. Nobody was there.

( did he dodge a bullet or maybe he should have had that bloody jacket with him, maybe a little yelling is good for the soul... komaeda does like verbal abuse, so it'd work. he sighs, memorizing rokkun's heartbeat in the silence, but once he speaks does it leave from komaeda's mind, and he looks at him, watching his expression. )

Asking questions like that doesn't matter, because at the time... it was us. ( he looks down at his hand, humming thoughtfully. ) ...We all stood in the cool, thoughts going through our mind if you would die. It's happened once between us, so to see it a second time... I gave you my hand, though it didn't matter to that version of you. I don't know... what compelled you to move, but...

( here we go, his serious tone shifts to one that's more excited, almost expected due to the conversation. even his eyes light up, a familiar swirl of hope and despair merges into pale green, that empty look in his eyes lost. its hard to contain anything, coughing once, and then twice, and it isn't long until an abrupt laugh leaves from his throat! he reaches out, his fingers gripping into rokkun's shirt, wanting to keep him in place... even if his organic fingers twitch from the action. if there was a mood here, he's probably ruined it, this... he wants to talk, tell his thoughts, how he was then, how he is now... different, but hope... hope... talking to rokkun now... )

You were... what was the word I used? Admirable!? Even took Adams-san's cane to force yourself to stand, you're such a mess... Rokkun, that desperation that brought you to move forward... that hope... it really is something that you do! Rejoice!

[ Maybe Komaeda dodged a bullet, maybe he's firing a machine gun at Rokkun's face because, uh,

He looks down at Komaeda's hand, clutching his shirt, up at his eyes that aren't seeing him.

Admirable isn't a word Komaeda's ever used for him, and the first time he gets to hear it it's about his 15-year-old dying self who isn't him. Komaeda extending his hand would have mattered, if it were him. If it were him... he wouldn't have been surrounded by people in the first place, there would be nobody's hand to take, nobody's cane to lean on, nobody but himself to drag his body forward slow inch by inch across the numbing ice that he had welcomed. ]

You're... [ ... ] It didn't happen like that, Nagito. If it did, I wouldn't be here.

Aha. ( he blinks, his eyes normal again, and he doesn't even remember what he's rambled so far. ) It's fine, this school is such a weird place, but that doesn't matter... does it?

( he smiles, looking down at his hands where he finds himself slowly letting rokkun go, he gets handsy, which he'll apologize for later after his mind gets settled. he forces himself to take a step back, to take a deep breath and remind himself that they're having a serious conversation, he shouldn't be touching. he places a hand on his own waist, that little gay posture as he glances off to the side. it's not like anything they did would change today, he already knew that rokkun in this world was fine, that his sibling at the end was also fine — but he probably sounds delusional. )

You wouldn't be here if you had lived, is what you're saying? ( ... ) I believe you wanted someone to be there for you, at the time.

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