adsum | npc contact.1

[ It does get him to shut up, resisting the urge to lift his free hand because he can't tell whether he wants to remove Komaeda's hand or hold it there.

But Komaeda is getting it, and if can, then others will surely follow. They'll stop looking away from what's going on here, and start seeing them instead. Accept that this is reality, and find reasons rather than excuses.

...

The hand lifts to touch his lips, briefly, after Komaeda moves his away. He lets his hand drop. ]

You are part of "us", though.

I know. It's why I have difficulties...

( accepting, that is. his luck doesn't allow him that luxury to be part of an "us," but here he is now... trying to be part of this construct. for komaeda, he's someone who can't take part naturally, distancing himself from one group, forcing himself into another because of provided roles. )

...The truth is before me, it depends on whether I reach for it or not, but you understand my feelings better than most. It's why... I'm not afraid of you.

( he stops, trying to catch his breath because that in itself is a lot to say, but he is afraid of his luck when he's around rokkun. these concerns crawl over him, and sometimes he thinks the other is better off not being around him. but being afraid of someone and not hurting someone is different. )

If you didn't exist, I think my life here would be different.

[ Komaeda says he understands better than most, but Rokkun still can't help but think that understanding is colored by his own hopes and wishes, having somebody at his side who...

...

He doesn't think most people are afraid of him. They should be, but they don't know— they don't see him, instead they see a classmate, a senpai, a soccer captain, a budding architect, separate coats of paint he puts on to mask what's inside. ]

I hope my existence made your life better. Yours... is why I'm still here. It's what keeps me going.

...Then let me question your existence, for a moment. ( sighs... interrupting his gay moment. ) because you died... you're here.

( which they've come to a conclusion on, that rokkun's aware of his memories, he knows what he's lost, and he'll go through graduation to to get them back once and for all. still admirable, in the end, he makes his way towards his family. )

You have... an abundance of tallies, every time I checked... they were bloody, and today, they're not as bad... it's because you hadn't been to school, so to accumulate them... you're normally present here. Did you gain them the same way I did?

( is he gorinto hopping? like time traveling, but not the real deal. also, when they get to the stairs... he's going to let rokkun's hand go so he can go up first. )

No.

[ He leaves that short, simple answer behind as he starts up the stairs, using the handrail for support like he expected, because what happened to holding his hand to help him up, huh, Komaeda? ]

I guess I've just had other things on my mind, lately.

( because komaeda had a different idea, and that's when rokkun starts up the stairs, komaeda follows behind him immediately. instead, he wraps his arms around the other's waist, and his cheek pressed against his back as if this is support. this is probably making things more difficult, but he's assisting in pushing him forward — BUT if this slows them down, komaeda will go back to taking rokkun's hand.

but!! but!!! he wanted to invade personal space. )

Hm... did you do them to yourself?

( simple yes or no questions, besides, even if they're self-inflicted, who is komaeda to say anything when he removed his entire hand. )

[ This great idea of his has Rokkun freezing on the spot in surprise, a hug from behind that makes him flush because
and anyways, it's what he would do for other people, kohai he can pick up and they can't see his face and they're in no position to hug back, and the irony doesn't escape him.

Never mind slowing them down, they're not going to move as long as Komaeda's holding onto him like this, and he's not going to get an answer with Rokkun's heart in his throat. ]

( he doesn't expect rokkun to stand in place, but it gives way to the idea that komaeda's holding him down. his arms secured around his waist, hands linked before him so that the other can't slip out of his grasp. he waits for a moment, pushing his body forward so that he can get the idea to move, but he's not that lucky it seems. )

...Now, now, don't tell me you're frozen in place.

( he doesn't peel himself off, however. )

Your left foot first, and then your right... easy as that.

[ It's easy for Komaeda but not for him. Not with Komaeda pressing against his back and Rokkun wanting to do the opposite of move forward, except giving into that means they both topple down the stairs and split their skulls open.

Well, fine. Left foot first, then the right. It's not like he's forced himself through this countless of times already, trudging through the snow, on hardwood floor surrounded by white walls, pain wracking his body the entire time but it's new that his heart hurts. ]

( still silent? understandable, he guesses, but komaeda likes to chit-chat, so he decides to keep talking — listening to his own voice isn't so bad. if rokkun wants to double sui why can't he ask in a different way, at least make it consensual!! )

You're doing good... just like that...

( just a bit of encouragement, sprinkle it on top of whatever high rokkun finds himself in as komaeda's trying to lead him up. )

If it gets too tedious, just tell me when to let go.

[ If he lets go, they're both going to split their heads open. His right arm bears the brunt of the weight leaning and pulling himself up by the handrail, so his left, hanging uselessly at his side, goes to rest over Komaeda's hands linked in front of his stomach. ]

Don't let go.

[ The flight of stairs is both excruciatingly slow and all too brief at the same time, but he finds himself on the landing just in front of the door to the roof. At the risk of falling back, he removes his hand from the handrail instead of letting go of Komaeda's hands, and pushes open the door.

It's still bright out, the sky taking on dusty blues. ]

( komaeda can't always hold on, this is... a hostage situation, but he stays where he is as he lifts himself on the next step once rokkun manages another. it is a pretty slow process like this, one where komaeda has a lot of room to think about things so far, and maybe something he wants to ask since they're in their honesty era. his fingers (organic) drum against rokkun's stomach, holding onto him tighter as they finally reach the door —

because he's hidden behind him, his eyes aren't attacked by the sun's light, but he closes his eyes regardless as he relaxes into the other's back. )

This is my first time.

( up here. UP HERE. he's going to link his hand with rokkun's own so now he might be stuck in this position, but it's fine. )

So take care of me.

[ STOP don't say up here like the alternative is down there ]

I will. We'll take it slow... we have all night, anyways.

[ anyways... At least the rooftop is empty... quiet...

Desolate, actually, is the word that comes to mind as Rokkun looks around, for how long it's been since he's been up here in all his years at this school. For as much as people say there is no private place in the school, the rooftop might be the closest. ]

Come here. [ He leans forward a little so Komaeda knows he means to walk again. ] Let's sit down.

[ Over there. At the edge. ]

( what's down there... WHAT'S DOWN THERE? my mind always up with god, heaven-adjacent. bop, bop bop to the top... )

You're pretty rough when you handle me, I'm not sure if I can trust you.

( if komaeda looks around, is there anything that stands out since it's been awhile when the last manmade creature has walked this area. it might be wrong, but every new location is a new playing field for komaeda, wondering if he played a killer for hope... what would he do — the roof seems like a perfect spot, but the chances of not getting caught...

hm. )

Forgive me for dragging you all the way up here just to talk...

( he'll sit at the edge, but... is this good for komaeda, he's a little insane? also, he wants back in the spot between rokkun's legs like normal when they're under the wisteria tree. )

[ He'll show him rough. It's enough of a drop that if he shoves Komaeda off the roof, he'll have time to get back down to the fourth floor and possibly over to the classroom side before anybody suspects anything.

He doesn't shove Komaeda over, though. Instead, he sits down next to him, close enough to brush shoulders, knowing full well neither of them should be sitting there on the edge and least of all Komaeda. But at the same time, that lurking danger is what keeps him in the present, forces him to be aware of the here and now and every little movement from the person beside him and the world in front of him. ]

You pushed more than dragged... But it's not as if you forced me. I would go with you anywhere.

[ He kicks his leg out, idly, just enough to bump the heel of his shoe against the side of the building and feel his feet slip, before using his other foot to slide his foot back inside. ]

...You don't trust me, do you? Not after what you've seen?

( the drop is... pretty high, he can't help but stare down at it in interest — higher up than sena, and the other bodies that natsume dropped... even more than chiaki's. it's a thought that passes through his head, leaning forward just a little, but not too much that screams he wants to jump. )

Following me everywhere... I'd say wouldn't be a good thing, but then... whose idea was Saransk?

( when he held komaeda's hand out the classroom on that unfortunate day, then he's unable to name a few others, but komaeda feels like he's no good for any of the people around him. it's why he doesn't think he deserves things such as friendships, company, and even now... he doesn't believe it's good to be here, no matter how much inside he enjoys the little things about it, or maybe... that's his festering worries, he doesn't know. )

I should be the one asking you that... it's not like you would have told me. Had I never seen it, I doubt you would have admitted it considering you keep to yourself... Did you think I'd hate you for your decision?

( whereas he can't, because even komaeda has a memory of a life he keeps to himself, one that he begged for no one to see. )

[ He smiles a little at Saransk, but says nothing more of it as he leans back on his hands, squinting up at the sky and trying to will the sun to set faster so the heat will stop beating down on them. ]

No, I wouldn't have told you if I had the choice. Not because I was afraid you'd hate me, but...

[ He lifts his left hand, gives it a little shake before lowering it again. ]

Earlier, you asked about this.

( he matches the smile for a moment, a mental note to himself to ask at a later date — the meaning behind it, why it's a special place to him, and things of that matter. for komaeda who doesn't want to learn about people, and yet he still pries because he's never stayed true to himself, and maybe that's what makes rokkun so interesting. )

I did... I've asked for quite awhile, haven't I?

( he's asked many times during their time within this school, asking what each mark meant, if they shared any, trying to understand the similarities they could have. at the time, komaeda couldn't out himself as someone who killed aiko, but he was interested in the tallies of someone whose marks remained red no matter.

the first time he was exposed was at his own birthday, and that was... such a long time ago. no one was worried about how they got tallies, but the fact that others aside from the transfers also had them. he places his own hands on his lap, looking out upon the horizon at how the light washes away the darkness. )

You have. And you saw the same dream I did.

[ One that Rokkun lived, one that Komaeda and co toured. One where they walked through an endless darkness, one where they fall and fall and fall and break and remake and fall again.

"What could have been" does not change reality, is what he had said then: to fall again and again and again, to break again and again and again... To struggle, to die, to fail... to drown in the futility of it all... again and again and again...

...

There is more than one way to get tallies. ]

Your dream shrouded in darkness, innumerable amounts of lights... ( like his tallies, but whether that connects or not... ) a forest filled with cairns and a bear, a path that led to an iron and stone cemetery, a world covered in ice with wildlife frozen... and then your body in the midst of a river of ice... it's why I asked if you and I were susceptible to the same method...

( komaeda stares at his right arm, slowly he rolls up his sleeve to show his marked wrist, still red from how slow his body heals. it's only a few that he's willing to show, too lazy to completely pull it down. instead, that hand rests on the edge too of where he sits, a few of his nails digging into the construct of it, and not too concerned on whether they chip or not, he's already missing some — )

It doesn't sound too out of line, you being the type to... have a hand in that instance, and failing every time knowing that the past can't be changed, no matter what's done — amassing tallies; but that's not the case... it's a narration with hiccups.

( he hums in thought, laughing softly as he looks forward... give him a moment rokkun, taking things literal, understanding the symbolism, what's true and what's false... the tallies that he's accumulated, the deaths, the taking of a life, whatever their souls went through within his "dream" and or "memory"... )

[ "That sounds like you. A failure." This is what he's getting out of it, quiet, looking over at Komaeda and watching his expression.

Please... the symbolism... everybody keeps going "ok so I almost drowned in a river and got chased by a bear" ]

I see, I was wrong on that. Let's go through the story one more time...

( that's komaeda's narration which he said isn't right... okay, god, but the symbolism is what's important. )

At the start, we were in the darkness... lights all around us as we moved further, and those same lights were used to slow us down. Not knowing where to go... to have a guide... darkness is normally used to convey negativity — evil, death, unknown...

( he pauses, looking towards rokkun as he stares at his eyes... )

Those lights could be life, good... and hope.

[ He stares back, a carefully schooled expression, wanting to hear Komaeda out from start to finish before he says anything.

Being lost and finding hope... It sounds like something he would imagine. ]

( when you have to figure out your tulpas dreams, but he's not you so that's probably wrong. )

...When the lights were around, we almost feel asleep... but each one snuffed out brought a ringing sound, keeping us awake.

( it's like talking to a brick wall, oh he hates that, being put on the spot. )

That could have been us keeping our eyes open to what was reality, but... what came next... the sound blocked out everything, something was pulling us down... hmmm... everything taken from us just like that, was it from our decisions... did we make a poor choice... we descended... from the impact, we should have died...

( there's a lot he could read from that, especially when he shouldn't take it literal — it feels like a test, exchanging conversation with rokkun to try and... understand the finer details of his dreams, what it's meant to tell them. )

Sometimes ringing in one's ear symbolizes a spirit trying to guide you down a certain path...

( his religion era might be showing. ) It has its good omens, and bad ones depending, I've heard.

[ He had told Komaeda he was more interested in hearing his thoughts and feelings than stated facts, but this— the thinking, the interpreting, the trying to stand in somebody else's shoes even though they pinch— it's good enough.

He lets his eyes slide closed, leaning back to feel the wind pick his bangs off his forehead, and lets himself feel the feelings he had wanted to share as Komaeda talks. The fear and loneliness of the eternal darkness that had become so familiar, the tiniest of lights were blinding and suspicious. Wanting to embrace that warmth and the comfort while warning bells go off in your head screaming wrong wrong wrong until you can't stand it anymore, until you stop reaching out and instead clamp those hands over your ears and find yourself falling. ]

...haha... Even with a dream like this, you're so hopeful, Nagito. A guardian spirit...

[ Would have been nice. Better than dying alone, and forced to open his eyes once more. ]

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rokuro "i can get a kiss out of this someway or another" arata

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