adsum | npc contact.1

[ He smiles a little at Saransk, but says nothing more of it as he leans back on his hands, squinting up at the sky and trying to will the sun to set faster so the heat will stop beating down on them. ]

No, I wouldn't have told you if I had the choice. Not because I was afraid you'd hate me, but...

[ He lifts his left hand, gives it a little shake before lowering it again. ]

Earlier, you asked about this.

( he matches the smile for a moment, a mental note to himself to ask at a later date — the meaning behind it, why it's a special place to him, and things of that matter. for komaeda who doesn't want to learn about people, and yet he still pries because he's never stayed true to himself, and maybe that's what makes rokkun so interesting. )

I did... I've asked for quite awhile, haven't I?

( he's asked many times during their time within this school, asking what each mark meant, if they shared any, trying to understand the similarities they could have. at the time, komaeda couldn't out himself as someone who killed aiko, but he was interested in the tallies of someone whose marks remained red no matter.

the first time he was exposed was at his own birthday, and that was... such a long time ago. no one was worried about how they got tallies, but the fact that others aside from the transfers also had them. he places his own hands on his lap, looking out upon the horizon at how the light washes away the darkness. )

You have. And you saw the same dream I did.

[ One that Rokkun lived, one that Komaeda and co toured. One where they walked through an endless darkness, one where they fall and fall and fall and break and remake and fall again.

"What could have been" does not change reality, is what he had said then: to fall again and again and again, to break again and again and again... To struggle, to die, to fail... to drown in the futility of it all... again and again and again...

...

There is more than one way to get tallies. ]

Your dream shrouded in darkness, innumerable amounts of lights... ( like his tallies, but whether that connects or not... ) a forest filled with cairns and a bear, a path that led to an iron and stone cemetery, a world covered in ice with wildlife frozen... and then your body in the midst of a river of ice... it's why I asked if you and I were susceptible to the same method...

( komaeda stares at his right arm, slowly he rolls up his sleeve to show his marked wrist, still red from how slow his body heals. it's only a few that he's willing to show, too lazy to completely pull it down. instead, that hand rests on the edge too of where he sits, a few of his nails digging into the construct of it, and not too concerned on whether they chip or not, he's already missing some — )

It doesn't sound too out of line, you being the type to... have a hand in that instance, and failing every time knowing that the past can't be changed, no matter what's done — amassing tallies; but that's not the case... it's a narration with hiccups.

( he hums in thought, laughing softly as he looks forward... give him a moment rokkun, taking things literal, understanding the symbolism, what's true and what's false... the tallies that he's accumulated, the deaths, the taking of a life, whatever their souls went through within his "dream" and or "memory"... )

[ "That sounds like you. A failure." This is what he's getting out of it, quiet, looking over at Komaeda and watching his expression.

Please... the symbolism... everybody keeps going "ok so I almost drowned in a river and got chased by a bear" ]

I see, I was wrong on that. Let's go through the story one more time...

( that's komaeda's narration which he said isn't right... okay, god, but the symbolism is what's important. )

At the start, we were in the darkness... lights all around us as we moved further, and those same lights were used to slow us down. Not knowing where to go... to have a guide... darkness is normally used to convey negativity — evil, death, unknown...

( he pauses, looking towards rokkun as he stares at his eyes... )

Those lights could be life, good... and hope.

[ He stares back, a carefully schooled expression, wanting to hear Komaeda out from start to finish before he says anything.

Being lost and finding hope... It sounds like something he would imagine. ]

( when you have to figure out your tulpas dreams, but he's not you so that's probably wrong. )

...When the lights were around, we almost feel asleep... but each one snuffed out brought a ringing sound, keeping us awake.

( it's like talking to a brick wall, oh he hates that, being put on the spot. )

That could have been us keeping our eyes open to what was reality, but... what came next... the sound blocked out everything, something was pulling us down... hmmm... everything taken from us just like that, was it from our decisions... did we make a poor choice... we descended... from the impact, we should have died...

( there's a lot he could read from that, especially when he shouldn't take it literal — it feels like a test, exchanging conversation with rokkun to try and... understand the finer details of his dreams, what it's meant to tell them. )

Sometimes ringing in one's ear symbolizes a spirit trying to guide you down a certain path...

( his religion era might be showing. ) It has its good omens, and bad ones depending, I've heard.

[ He had told Komaeda he was more interested in hearing his thoughts and feelings than stated facts, but this— the thinking, the interpreting, the trying to stand in somebody else's shoes even though they pinch— it's good enough.

He lets his eyes slide closed, leaning back to feel the wind pick his bangs off his forehead, and lets himself feel the feelings he had wanted to share as Komaeda talks. The fear and loneliness of the eternal darkness that had become so familiar, the tiniest of lights were blinding and suspicious. Wanting to embrace that warmth and the comfort while warning bells go off in your head screaming wrong wrong wrong until you can't stand it anymore, until you stop reaching out and instead clamp those hands over your ears and find yourself falling. ]

...haha... Even with a dream like this, you're so hopeful, Nagito. A guardian spirit...

[ Would have been nice. Better than dying alone, and forced to open his eyes once more. ]

( it makes him flinch, a little wobbly on the corner of the rooftop as he looks towards rokkun like he's an idiot for that type of talk. komaeda isn't a guardian spirit, but he is hopeful about a lot of things, it's even harder to parse when he doesn't have the emotional capacity to put rokkun's emotion based dream into words.

maybe that's where they have difficulties, if he was by himself, and had no one, maybe if he didn't feel alone already, he could understand the more underlined aspects of it and the comfort. )

Letting yourself to despair would only make me dislike you, and it felt... like a hopeful circumstance...

( thinking about the darkness, he turns away from rokkun now as he sighs softly. )

Most places aren't so dark, but... in your case it started off like that... it must have been different, having no one... so... if I have to think about your experience...

( komaeda's experience is him adding in three other people, voices that stayed with him during the entire thing. that sets apart his mind from one thinking to another, he would mention that having people together in the darkness would be a hopeful endeavor. if he was alone and left to his own thoughts, if this was more of a nightmare than a dream... )

Is that why you're afraid of being close to others... because those lights betrayed you?

( they sure did lead the gang to a pit that they fell in, so it works... it works. thinking about komaeda is so smart and would understand so much symbolism whereas me is putting away my bible to end his religious era. )

For this session, you can call me Komaeda.

( he calls everyone by their first name, switch it up a little!! have a little fun... )

[ Is he not a guardian spirit, when he's the only person who's still at his side, who still believes in him and what he wants to do? Komaeda had saved him, once upon a time, or so Rokkun had claimed. ]

It's less that, and more...

[ He flops down onto his back, less chance of toppling off the roof with only his legs bent at the knees hanging over the edge, and he gets to stretch out and stare up at the sky instead of the endless forest. ]

Do you remember the part in the dream where everything you touch dies, Nagito?

[ Ignoring his request... and maybe parts is more accurate, from the lights to the animals to the one person they were trying to save. ]

( komaeda doesn't even think his hope is hope, so he'd never believe such a fantasy like being someone's angel, and if anything an angel of death would fit him better. )

I do... everything we touched just shattered... still alive, and we the reason... had we stayed to ourself, mind our own business... maybe they could've survived. It felt like helping only caused more harm... I asked you about those foxes... you did good playing stupid... you like to lie to me, don't you?

( he has a smile, looking towards rokkun as he's laid back, and he reaches out to pat his chest so that he can check if his heart is beating. )

Adams-san broke down... using that peculiar ability, that... was painful for her...

( he thinks about everything that was there in the winter wonderland, from birds, to foxes, and a few other animals caught within some sort of crystallization. he keeps thinking, remembering the sight, and the smell of blood that flooded his senses. )

It all came down like rain, red coloring the purity that surrounded us... ( sighs wistfully. )

[ He wouldn't say he likes to lie, but he does, and he's good at it. Enough to convince even himself, to color his memories... But this one doesn't feel right. ]

What you saw... were foxes?

You believe me, don't you?

( dementia aside, and he knows that probably gets in the way of everything that makes... them. rokkun could think komaeda's missing a few parts of the story, but... )

I touched the brown fox with this hand... and it fell into the rock, and we saw red.

( don't ask him how he feels. )

...There was another, too.

I believe that's what you saw.

[ Have some faith in him, please, ]

Was it different from the lights?

They were like glass... along with the birds, and flowers... it was like being in stasis, until they came into contact with us... and immediately they changed.

( what did they do? give life to what's already dead? after what helena did by killing them all in one fell swoop, that doesn't seem like the case. )

Was that part of your dream different?

( he pauses, looking out beyond the horizon... is the spider lillies out? )

[ Birds and flowers... wish that were him ]

In my dream, I'm walking through a forest, and there's statues of people. Faces I don't recognize, but it feels like I should. Maybe I haven't met them yet. I'm dying... it hurts... but no matter who I reach out to for help, they crumble away at the slightest touch. [ a breath, something like a laugh, but not quite ] They don't even leave blood behind, to warm me from the snow.

[ The spider lilies aren't out yet, not until the end of the month during the equinox. The forest is still green. ]

Almost sounds like that dream was someone elses, a different take on life.

( no spider lillies... what a shame, but komaeda will push himself up so that he can stand, and he's going to balance himself on the edge of the rooftop — his arms held out as he tries to think about it. )

...And they just turn to dust? ( he takes a step, eyes glancing down at his foot. ) That's quite the dilemma; there was a graveyard of stone, do you believe that's their resting place?

( why did they have animals, and rokkun stumbled upon lifeless, stone entities... he hums in thought, thinking, wobbling a bit, but he's taking another step forward... he's having fun, don't worry. )

But... we should stay in one place to fully understand the innerworkings of what happened, why did... it change so drastically...

[ Rokkun lying on the ground not supervising Komaeda as he tightrope walks the rooftop, nobody can save him here. ]

It isn't so different... Even when the nightmares change every time I wake up and fall back asleep, what happens is always the same.

[ Being lost somewhere— in a void, in the woods, in the snow— and following a guide— the lights, the cairns, the river— leaving destruction in your wake— extinguished lights, a cemetery of metal and stone, shattering figures— and then falling and falling and failing and failing.

A singular memory, redressed in many different ways. It was only that last one that differed... because the group barged into the house ready to get shit done even thought the memory was supposed to have ended there. There's something to be said about teamwork and helping others and being able to affect the world around them when they stopped reacting to the things around them and made the decision to veer mission plans off course. ]

( he only wobbles a few times, his arms raised up, allowing the wind to blow against them — he looks up like he wants to reach for the sun. )

Are they the same?

( he questions, not looking in rokkun's direction, and komaeda takes a large step to walk over him as he tightropes — body shakes here and there, but he's doing okay. the chance to fall off the edge, his life on a thin line, he's here with someone who could see his demise, remember it, tell others of his story, of his own failures. )

Do you wake up, Rokkun? After you collide with the earth... do you lay there and accept it?

( he takes a few steps forward, stopping at the edge. )

In your dreams... is there ever anyone to help you? I took your hand... and I let it go, I think the others motivated you, I thought a lot... about those people with you.

( all about moving forward, and not letting what happens around them affect them... to make changes by moving forward, not taking detours when the path is right before them? )

(cont)

npc contact.1

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