adsum | npc contact.1

[ It's pity because it's pitiful— he's pitiful, the fifteen year old him who tried and tried and tried and this is what he amounted to. All that hope he provided, that courageous will, whatever challenges he put them through, it's easy to say when you're not that person, and it's even easier to say post mortem, not before, when it matters.

Thoughts he keeps to himself. But the thoughts of himself...

He breathes a laugh, humorless. ]

I used to be so much more hopeful, didn't I? What happened... [ He tried soooo hard. He did everything he could. He did it because he had to, because if he didn't then nobody would. ] Back then, I really did think everything would work out.

And then I died. All that effort, and for what?

[ He gives a little shake of his head, chews at his cheek until he tastes blood, then continues. ]

You and I experienced different endings, Nagito. Maybe all of you became stronger for it. But for me, I didn't want to see this memory ever again. I didn't want to remember. I didn't want to see it every time I close my eyes. And for you guys to dig all that up and—-!

[ A frustrated sigh gets forced through gritted teeth to reel himself back from the verge of yelling. ]

I locked that memory away because otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to stand on my own again. To get out of bed every day. I did it so I could keep living whatever "life" this is here. Everybody grew more hopeful because of that memory? Good for them. But this isn't about them.

[ Basically, fuck y'all for invading that private memory of his. I wish he had angrier icons. ]

( this man got mood swings what's his sign. )

...If you're that distraught, why not take your anger out on me? It'd serve no purpose if you contain what you're feeling.

( visible wounds, he could dig his fingers into them, he probably already has from speaking about that memory — he knew, he always knew, and now he finds himself thrown into a whirlwind of pain and anger. it's easy to tell from his reactions, how he sighs, the tone of his voice, the irritation audible through those clipped responses. should komaeda feel bad? or should he just listen? why does he go out his way for an untalented individual who not only watered down his hope, is accusing them for something they couldn't help. )

You've got that wrong — we don't know why it was yours specifically, but the person you are now is molded from your past experiences. That can never change, it's human nature to regret, to feel scared, to feel as if the world is against you... but it's something you must overcome, use to your advantage, and you have...

( ...it's always about hope with him, but it's all that he has, something he wants to continue sharing with him. he worries for if it wavers, but this moment too can be used to help his hope, make it into something stronger, but these thoughts only linger for so long until his mouth parts, closes, then parts again with a sigh. he thought that for once, rokkun could have people around him unlike how he keeps his distance, he wanted him to have a taste of something he never had before. this is komaeda's fault for even speaking up on a matter, but better him than anyone else.

this messy, conflicted side of rokkun that he's being shown to, is it a little selfish of him that he's able to see it. )

Before that memory, with the time that we've... spent here, I have always praised your hope. Even in that memory, even though I was unsure... I still wanted to see it move forward, but it was by your body that moved, in that memory it was... the decision made to not give up.

...

[ Oh, he wants to throttle somebody real bad but he will not. All he can do is clench his fists and let his nails dig into his palms and seethe, because he knows they didn't go prodding around by choice— why would they? they don't know him, they don't care about him, and he hasn't made enemies of them yet. The darkness, the falling, the pain, the death, the blood... They would have gotten out the first chance they got, if they were able to. He knows he know he knows but still...

They still saw what they had no business seeing, and he's still furious he's made to remember against his will. The person he is now, standing here with gritted teeth and blood pooling in his mouth, is the person who did not remember; that was the experience that he built himself upon. A person who never failed so spectacularly, a person who was brimming with confidence and only knew to look forward because he's never had the world vanish under his feet before. Never plunged into darkness, never felt so lost, or hopeless, or scared. ]

I never— [ His voice cracks, but he pushes through. ] ever gave up. I hadn't.

[ He had made sure of that. He knew he had a baby brother, a little sister, he knew he had to go back home to them, and that he had to graduate to be able to do so. Even with nothing to fill in the blanks, he could hang this wish up in front of him and move forward because of it. He'll go home. He'll see his family again. And he'll remember.

He didn't need to remember. ]

...

( this scene is familiar, the spiral of the past, the same that he had done to hinata a long time ago, but komaeda doesn't feel hatred for his actions, nor does he pity, but trying to find his feelings on the matter is difficult, but he asked at the start if rokkun wanted to have this conversation with him — he gave that choice, so why is this his response. in a way, komaeda feels disappointed as he watches the other, but there's a moment he gives the benefit of the doubt if he really means that he hadn't gave up.

he takes a step forward, it's really like dealing with a child, one who doesn't get their way, and komaeda knows better than to feed into this. he lifts one arm, placing the palm of his hand over the one that the other clenches to get his attention. )

Don't.

( in a situation like this, he watched hinata's descent, the way he could hardly stand, he couldn't stomach the truth of being nothing. the truth of the matter is another story, but komaeda can only focus on the now, the wavering hope, and the ambition and goal that the other feels has been taken away from him. )

If you haven't, I want you to show me that. All I've seen is that the truth did nothing more than weigh you down, but I want to see the you that can overcome anything, the person that has always fought for what they wanted, no matter how messy and desperate they've seen... the idiot that has always told me to look at them, because he wanted me to see what heights he would achieve.

( but there's something about this that doesn't sit with him right, no matter how much he can hype up someone's hope, twist it so that their light shines on them. )

I want you to look at me, Rokkun... ( he exhales, breathy, keeping his grip firm around the other's hand, but he should know that he can pull away at any time. ) I want you to tell me what you want.

[ Komaeda's really out here ruining people's lives and making them cry.

He's not crying, though, even if he feels his eyes burning. The hand on his is cold, but the weight is still a comfort, and that fist slowly loosens and opens under Komaeda's palm.

What does he want? He doesn't know. He thinks of a time when he would have said "you," like an inside joke that's to be laughed off and so he can say what he feels, so he can push that attention away, and so he can wait for a swift rejection and a change in conversation and things to go back to normal. Instead, his thoughts are muddied. He doesn't want anything. He wants too many things. He wants to scream, to cry, to not feel anything at all. He wants to be that Rokuro that Komaeda sees, somebody to be admired. Or the child in the forest who'd gone the other way.

...

He lets out a breath and lifts his head, and then his eyes, and looks at Komaeda. ]

I want what I always have: to graduate, so I can go home to my family.

( the answer, that answer... sounds like an excuse, when he's aware that komaeda knows things, has seen from his memory, and could have so many answers. yet, he doesn't pry, he doesn't ask who was waiting at home, he remains the same, locking himself into the idea that graduation will give him what he desires. locks of white hair shift to cover the way his eyes stare at the other, almost empty, nothing behind them to say whether he's proud or disappointed. it could be that komaeda's trying to understand this hope, the way the other has committed himself to reform in this way.

...

...

if he can't use the past to move forward, to apply it to his hardships, and make something greater out of it. can he call... this hope something that he loves? komaeda thinks back to the times he's said he's loved his hope, that he would do anything to see it prosper, the excitement that bubbled up inside of him when he watched rokkun act without letting anything hold him down. the one who would be an idiot, deflect, and make komaeda curious, there was something smooth and mysterious about him, and he even had komaeda willingly playing along —

...

...

he hums next, as if thoughtful, and his gaze lowers to the male's fist, and he tilts his head to look, and a piece of hair tickles against his nose, the dark gradient curling under his eye next. he slowly turns the other's hand, having his palm face up so komaeda's fingers can run against the crescent marks of his nails, checking to see if he broke the skin, or anything close. )

Ah, then I believe we're cancelling our plans, since graduation is that important to you.

[ The ellipses are killing him, standing there in silence like he's awaiting judgement or hoping for approval, which is a stupid thought to have but it's there anyways. Stupid, looking down at his hand and watching Komaeda trace those marks on his palm, no skin broken but it stings and throbs and the marks are deep enough to still be felt, looking at Komaeda's hand in his and wanting to...

...

He looks up. ]

What plans?

Don't worry, we'll take care of them.

( this all started because rokkun wanted to know, and komaeda has never touched on the end of that journey. he can remember it for next time, but what good will it do knowing that kogamo... the person he worked so hard to see is here within the school, and he can't even allude to that.

that's why he thinks that a select group will have to take care of npc-kun, just for awhile longer until rokkun can overcome those frightful events, the despair he feels having them known.

... it doesn't excuse that he removed his memories away himself, but the feeling of not being able to go on, the hurdle of the past... embracing those hardships, that's what makes hope so enticing to komaeda, to watch a person go against all odds. )

...Rokkun, ( he leaves his hand there, but his pinky throbs from the constant contact ) how did you get rid of your memories, it'll help me piece together why this all happened.

( thinking about if anyone else spoke to rokkun this man would be murdering somebody. )

In the end, there's only one person to blame, so let's use what's at our disposal to find the culprit, shall we?

[ What? plans??

He tries to think back on it— the request to see the new year together, eloping to the forest, something about Saransk? But graduation has no bearing on any of those things. He'll leave the school, but

His eyes snap back up at the sound of his name. ]

Culprit? That one person to blame is me. And I told you why I did it.

( plans of letting amami take care of npc-kun because rokkun's being a bad boy. )

You're smart. Something we can finally agree on.

( the way this whole conversation has went so far, it makes komaeda slightly disappointed. his hand settles on his own hip, and he takes a few steps over to rokkun's grid... his lines, starting sketches...

he could break this right now, it's tempting. )

Then why did you blame us, why are you searching for someone to shoulder your mistakes... and not use the past to create your future, one that's brighter than the despair of back then...

( he sighs, touching the corner of it... he hasn't smudged anything yet, but... )

[ also he can't just steal rokkun's sibling wtf

He frowns when Komaeda touches the paper, absolutely staring down at that instead of at his eyes. ]

Throwing that memory away wasn't a mistake. Making me remember it was a mistake— seeing something personal that you aren't meant to see is a mistake. It's not your fault, but I'm allowed to be upset.

[ "upset"... putting it lightly... ]

( komaeda just wants to see his aratas together... )

You always knew, I didn't remind you of anything. Is your memory that poor? I asked if this was a conversation you wanted to have... in the end, this is just your own difficulties.

( he's upset, but komaeda doesn't really care at the moment as he's messing with the paper. rokkun was going to give it to him, wasn't he? )

If you hadn't thrown it away... you wouldn't be filled with such anger.

[ Oh this is rich, Komaeda talking to him about memory problems.

but

he's right about one thing: it's anger that festers in the pit of Rokkun's stomach and Komaeda had warned him of just that. What if reopening this wound made Rokkun hate him? What if it made him think differently of him? Would he still have wanted to hear?

...

He pushes away from the desk. ]

It's not like I have any choice in this matter. What's done is done. ...I'll see you later, Nagito.

You don't, you've already chosen this path...

( it can't be helped, yet, he can tell by the other's actions that he isn't happy about any of this. komaeda pauses, pulling away from the drawing so he can turn towards rokkun, and he stares in his direction. )

...Don't go.

( he sighs, crossing his arms, and even though he doesn't feel guilty... he doesn't want him to leave actually. his eyes glance down at the ground, before he walks closer to him. )

I came to see you.

[ "I came to ruin your life" is sort of how this feels now, in hindsight, and he hates that it's still enough to make him stop, the sentiment of somebody coming to see specifically him.

He's going to let Komaeda bridge the gap, waiting until he's right behind him before turning around. ]

Why?

( he's being difficult, and it's not like komaeda hasn't dealt with this sort of attitude before. he doesn't like reaching out from this end, because it won't go well...

just like how things turned already, and he feels as if he should just let him go. his choice, his decision, but the fact he stops, willing to hear him out is a lot of pressure. )

...You know why.

( because komaeda will kill himself, and write someone's name on the note. )

I waited all break for your return... to see you.

[ "To see you... so I can ruin your life..." It still fits this biased narrative of his, but at the same time, he's hearing words he could only ever dream of, selfishly making Komaeda say it, and he's soooooo so weak.

Somebody waiting for him to come back...

Somebody to come back for...

... ]

...Thanks. At least this time I made it back.

( yeah, he forced komaeda's hand into this position, and he can't even turn back with the words falling off the tip of his tongue. it's not very him, he's not direct, and yet here he is saying this to rokkun that puts a spotlight on him, some sort of honesty he doesn't want to be vocal about.

it frightens him, actually, what's this supposed to be... good luck? bad luck? it'll swing an opposing end, fierce, and out of his control he thinks. he's waiting for it, not even willing to look rokkun properly in the face — his face angled towards the ground.

it's when he speaks that komaeda's eyes swiftly glance in his direction, and they widen for a moment surprised, and then they grow sharp again, that normal, empty look behind them. )

You've always came back to me... ( a treat, but he can differentiate himself because he's trash!!! ) and everyone else, So if you're going, it's to the rooftop to watch the stars with me.

( he's expectant, waiting for him to answer. )

That way we can finally speak with each other.

( not to, and not at, like he's willing to compromise the male's earlier request. )

[ He does always come back, eventually, somehow, but he thinks of graduation and what he must do to get there and the smile becomes a little forlorn. Honestly, he always expected Komaeda to be the one to leave and not come back, but Komaeda's always the one who comes to him— for him— and it always makes him happy.

He's not too sure about everybody else, but ]

Yeah. I'll always come back to you.

[ Sparing Komaeda for a moment, he glances out the window, at the presumably sunny sky outside, because it's a long loooooong time before the stars will be out.

... ]

What about the sunset? Will you watch it with me? Today.

Hmm... What's with that look... ah, it's fine, don't be sad, it won't be your fault.

( besides dementia will win over before rokkun goes, he's sure. he watches the other's eyes, following where they go to see him stare outside. the art room, part of his crime at the start of the year, and if he recalls this is the place where aiko left, and then died subsequently. it brings a smile to his face as he thinks about it, and he looks towards rokkun as he speaks his request. )

Are you able to take the stairs?

( he asks, looking down at the other's leg where he recalls the wound from before, and he guesses if the other has been taking therapy, he should be fine. )

I'll even hold your hand if you have difficulties.

( komaeda pauses, walking past rokkun as he reaches out for the door, opening it for both of them. )

[ Ignoring the existence of the elevator and the fact that it's just two sets of stairs, he thinks he can probably make it up by himself with the help of the handrail to support his weight, but... ]

...It'll be slow. I'll have to hold on a long time.

[ But he's getting up— first to grab a sheet of wax paper to lay over the sketch and weigh it down so the pencil doesn't smear and he'll be able to come back and finish his work— but he can walk well enough. The deep ache, the focus on putting one foot before the next, it feels like something he's done time and time and time again.

He's never had somebody at his side, though, opening the door for him. And when he steps through, he turns around and holds his hand out. ]

( when was the last time he looked at the sunset free of any concerns or worries... it was probably on the island, staring out from the cottage with his eyes turned towards the sun — the sphere slowly sinking beneath the ocean. the surface sparkling from the leftover rays... watching it was the group always held with him concerns, if he deserved to be by them...

there's only a few people he feels comfortable around to think he can enjoy something so simple, so mundane... so boring. )

It'll be like therapy, but at school... I'll have to visit the counselor soon for my session...

( he sighs, like it's no known secret, he does have to talk about his new and improved marks. he's staring at the palm of his hand, grinning to himself like he's excited until he notices something in his peripherals. )

...So you really do need my help to achieve greater heights. Ask for it, ask for it...

( ask for it because he sees the hand, but he's not giving it up. )

[ There's things he wants to say about therapy that he'll keep to himself, just as there's choice words he has about the counselor that he bites his tongue at. Like he has to try real hard not to roll his eyes. ]

May I have your hand, Nagito?

[ Hm. Feels weird asking. Next time he's just going to take. ]

...Hm.

( he's thinking about it, and as he looks between his two hands, he'll hold out his mechanical one instead. )

Do you want to hold this one?

( he doesn't give rokkun a choice as he reaches out with cold, metal fingers wrapping around the other's hand. it's easier when he has control of little things like this, so he doesn't get embarrassed... whew.

now... ) I've had your therapy before, I think it's better than having your brain picked apart.

[ Yeah, next time he's just going to take what he wants. But he takes that cold hard metal hand and turns down the hall to the stairwell. ]

Was it when you lost this?

[ He lifts that mechanical hand somewhat, never having considered how much work it must have been to even be able to hold somebody else's hand like he's doing now. The arm looks so much more complicated than how he imagined 1999 prosthetics would look.

but also, yeah, he thinks he'd rather lose his entire leg than to have people walking around in his memories ever again. ]

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this is the hand pose

when rokkun pisses steph off komaeda makes that hand pose

gonna break that hand

komaeda will kill himself ?

over a broken hand??

yeah this is komaeda what he supposed to do live?

just get a new hand

? SO who will cut komaedas body up into 1000s of pieces

there are so many people who would volunteer

? they can make rokkun watch! good as television

can't watch if he cuts them up first

regain him a chainsaw for his real birthday </3

i already forgot what it was and had to look in my plurk, help

June 6th Novembertenth 20'06? rokkun got bday dementia

2006 he's from the future

well yamas timejumper theory makes a comeback in saransk

if it fits the narrative it must be right