adsum | npc contact.1

[ He frowns, looking down at Komaeda's hands when he slowly lets go. But yeah, that's what he's saying. If he hadn't died— if he hadn't closed his eyes, just for a moment, he hadn't meant to fall asleep. Didn't even have the strength to open his eyes when he felt the warmth that enveloped his body, somebody yelling, somebody talking but he couldn't make out the words, but he had thought it was—-

... ]

I was always the one who had to take care of everyone and everything, all the time. I wouldn't have been foolish enough to think somebody would be there for me when I needed them.

( he sighs, shaking his head, he's looking around the art room in search of a chisel... where is it! )

Is that why you're like this, why... you do everything alone, keep secrets... because you don't want to rely on others because you're afraid of it?

( that boy who got up, who persevered through the cold, the waging war of his body pushing him down, forward, wherever it wanted him to drop, that hope. it may be true that his end was unfortunate in one way, just like that child admitted — the past can't be changed, but... it's all too confusing, how did the rock come back with him, how did he have his blood on his body. )

...It showed in your actions, you led us to a cottage not too far away from that ice covered river, you held Adams-san hand, and used her cane. You had something to take care of, even while we were there... it's not like any of us mattered, but... it would make sense.

( who was waiting there, the young child that cried upon seeing his mangled body... that was someone he wanted to get home too. komaeda can't understand the feelings behind coming back home to loved ones, or well, his smile was brief when he was able to return to his ultmates back home — yet, that's not the same thing, he doesn't understnd, doesn't want to understand. )

The way you held onto her, that bit of extra support... that push... what do you think hope is if not having those around you to help your foundation, to give you a chance to reach the pinnacle of your hope... you are no Ultimate, but even people like you can impress me if your efforts is a beacon to others.

[ He swallows, trying to imagine. What it would be like if there were others there, what he might have felt when he first saw home in the horizon again, whether he was able to... ... But it didn't happen that way, and he can only ever feel as if that were another person, a Rokuro who had succeeded where he himself had failed.

It's kind of funny, being jealous of yourself.

Back then, what was he trying so hard for? A baby brother, whose name and face he had told Stephanie he didn't remember and he hadn't been lying— it was only a few nights ago that he could remember, waking up in the middle of the night with his face wet and chest feeling hollow. And he'd close his eyes and try to go back to sleep, have that nightmare again and again, never once being able to reach that cabin or that person on his own. ]

I'm not afraid of it... [ mumbled, decidedly not looking at Komaeda because maybe the reason for needing to do everything himself boils down to pride, a stupid reason. What he says, though, ] I just never had anybody to rely on.

[ Which is maybe even more stupid, because he remembers Rika asking time and time again for him to open up a little and accept her help, he remembers Komaeda offering— maybe for the sake of hope, but it was his hope. He remembers Akki, and why he had tried to set him on fire...

...

He remains quiet. ]

( as komaeda searches for the chisels, his hands pushing through papers, a light hiss when his pinky hits against something rough, and he doesn't move his arm much from the pain. though, nothing must hurt as much as this does for the other.

it's hypocritical for komaeda to stand here, to say anything like this to rokkun, to think he has any right when he himself has his own difficulties he can't overcome. an ultimate himself, and yet he hates his entire existence despite loving a group that shares a title with him. he can't even expose himself to others without a smile, he's unable to cry properly because what's being sad when his entire life is depressing, what is crying if it's not just for hope — it's always been like that, the way he's shed his tears.

yet, he won't admit it to himself, and perhaps this is unfair, considering when komaeda lived in world of no talent, no hope, and he was a normal individual; he was happier there. he had friends, he counted on others, and they depended on him — they appreciated his company, all because of a world where he threw away hope for other's happiness. he would never do that, he can't subject himself to a world that disgusting, it bothers him so much it feels painful — at his world destroyed, he had made sure that no one saw what he dreamt, the only place he felt safe from the shock of his death.

in a way, rokuro's memory is a place where komaeda would understand that he wouldn't want anyone to see, but it was looked upon — they invaded a personal space. once komaeda pushes himself away from his search, unsuccessful it seems, he digs his hands into the pockets of his attire, and he leans forward to to look up from where the other had turned his head. )

You have plenty to rely on, you should hold onto what you have before it's gone forever. ( ...

he wishes he could understand those words for himself, but he gives this advice the best way he can. ) There's always a test run, Rokkun, you're desperate, add it to what you know best.

[ He has plenty to rely on like what? who?

Just Komaeda, in front of him, doing his best to encourage him like he tends to do, even when Rokkun's gut reaction is to push back. Even Akki who he's working with, it's more of a business partner relationship than anything else, and he knows what Akki thinks of him.

He looks down at the stone still in his hands, remembering the last time he had held one.

... ]

I know. I didn't spend all these years here to have nobody on my side, even if they're not at my side.

[ Plenty of people he's on good terms with. His classmates, his kohai, the art club members, the soccer team... He doesn't have to start off with big secrets; a test run can be something small, like... ... ...lending somebody a pencil, and trusting they give it back at the end of class. ]

( his eyes drop to the stone in his hand, watching the way the other is observing it, but komaeda won't take it back — it doesn't belong to him. wishes, things like that... they're more for rokkun than himself. )

As long as you believe in their hope, use their hope to strengthen yours... they're by your side. You distance yourself too much, especially when you're likeable... an idiot, but can be well-liked.

( he probably doesn't need people to like him, but he'll reach up, and lay his organic hand on top of his head, fingers moving through his hair to see how soft it is. ...

... )

If you need names, Sakasaki-kun, Hinata-kun, and Helena-kun may not know you as... well as I do.

( can he say that, it feels like... he's intruding on something. )

You can rely on them, I doubt they'll want to see your foundation struggle anymore than it has... Hope can be made with others, and that way it'll shine bright, and knowing you'll be part of that before my time is up will be rather rewarding.

[ His hair is... passably soft. Soft enough to swish around when he turns his head, but not as soft as npc-kun's

Komaeda's "using people's hope" is the same as Rokkun's "using people" which is objectively not a great thing. He recognizes that, along with the fact that he keeps people at arm's length, wanting to be surface-level liked but nothing deeper than that, nothing that makes people try to see him.

And here is Komaeda listing the names of people who saw him, a pitiful him no matter how Komaeda praised him, a memory he had locked away so he could forget his failures and only look forward from now on. ]

Hope made of pity...

[ He sighs, leaning back. He likes Hinata well enough, being classmates, but hasn't had much reason to talk to the other two. They only feel sorry for him because they saw him die. It's those sorts of thoughts, justifications he comes up with on his own and decides to be truth, that makes it hard not to distance himself. ]

What? You're full of excuses today, aren't you?

( can pity be used to make hope? he's only believed in strong hope, a hope that would define the future, and how it's light would cover everyone in it — that sort of warmth is rare, wanted, and yearned for. he almost feels offended, but two of them do lack talent so their hope is... no, helena has a little hope, a small demonstration from her abilities. it's enough for komaeda to decipher how much she has, how much the others do. )

Hardships, difficulties, the throes of despair... all of that mixed in is what they went through, there are times they died, no, did die... solidified their fears, all because you gave them that chance to grow... they only have that hope because you allowed them to have it. If you call that pity which was made from your own courageous will from start to finish, you really do hate me. You proved to be a challenge, and a difficult one... if you call that hope they made pity, what do you think of yourself...

( because of all people, he's never wanted to hear rokkun judge hope, who is he... to even define it, when komaeda's the one who works definitions. he bites his tongue, contemplating whether he should just cause a little scene because he can. he refrains, watching him. )

[ It's pity because it's pitiful— he's pitiful, the fifteen year old him who tried and tried and tried and this is what he amounted to. All that hope he provided, that courageous will, whatever challenges he put them through, it's easy to say when you're not that person, and it's even easier to say post mortem, not before, when it matters.

Thoughts he keeps to himself. But the thoughts of himself...

He breathes a laugh, humorless. ]

I used to be so much more hopeful, didn't I? What happened... [ He tried soooo hard. He did everything he could. He did it because he had to, because if he didn't then nobody would. ] Back then, I really did think everything would work out.

And then I died. All that effort, and for what?

[ He gives a little shake of his head, chews at his cheek until he tastes blood, then continues. ]

You and I experienced different endings, Nagito. Maybe all of you became stronger for it. But for me, I didn't want to see this memory ever again. I didn't want to remember. I didn't want to see it every time I close my eyes. And for you guys to dig all that up and—-!

[ A frustrated sigh gets forced through gritted teeth to reel himself back from the verge of yelling. ]

I locked that memory away because otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to stand on my own again. To get out of bed every day. I did it so I could keep living whatever "life" this is here. Everybody grew more hopeful because of that memory? Good for them. But this isn't about them.

[ Basically, fuck y'all for invading that private memory of his. I wish he had angrier icons. ]

( this man got mood swings what's his sign. )

...If you're that distraught, why not take your anger out on me? It'd serve no purpose if you contain what you're feeling.

( visible wounds, he could dig his fingers into them, he probably already has from speaking about that memory — he knew, he always knew, and now he finds himself thrown into a whirlwind of pain and anger. it's easy to tell from his reactions, how he sighs, the tone of his voice, the irritation audible through those clipped responses. should komaeda feel bad? or should he just listen? why does he go out his way for an untalented individual who not only watered down his hope, is accusing them for something they couldn't help. )

You've got that wrong — we don't know why it was yours specifically, but the person you are now is molded from your past experiences. That can never change, it's human nature to regret, to feel scared, to feel as if the world is against you... but it's something you must overcome, use to your advantage, and you have...

( ...it's always about hope with him, but it's all that he has, something he wants to continue sharing with him. he worries for if it wavers, but this moment too can be used to help his hope, make it into something stronger, but these thoughts only linger for so long until his mouth parts, closes, then parts again with a sigh. he thought that for once, rokkun could have people around him unlike how he keeps his distance, he wanted him to have a taste of something he never had before. this is komaeda's fault for even speaking up on a matter, but better him than anyone else.

this messy, conflicted side of rokkun that he's being shown to, is it a little selfish of him that he's able to see it. )

Before that memory, with the time that we've... spent here, I have always praised your hope. Even in that memory, even though I was unsure... I still wanted to see it move forward, but it was by your body that moved, in that memory it was... the decision made to not give up.

...

[ Oh, he wants to throttle somebody real bad but he will not. All he can do is clench his fists and let his nails dig into his palms and seethe, because he knows they didn't go prodding around by choice— why would they? they don't know him, they don't care about him, and he hasn't made enemies of them yet. The darkness, the falling, the pain, the death, the blood... They would have gotten out the first chance they got, if they were able to. He knows he know he knows but still...

They still saw what they had no business seeing, and he's still furious he's made to remember against his will. The person he is now, standing here with gritted teeth and blood pooling in his mouth, is the person who did not remember; that was the experience that he built himself upon. A person who never failed so spectacularly, a person who was brimming with confidence and only knew to look forward because he's never had the world vanish under his feet before. Never plunged into darkness, never felt so lost, or hopeless, or scared. ]

I never— [ His voice cracks, but he pushes through. ] ever gave up. I hadn't.

[ He had made sure of that. He knew he had a baby brother, a little sister, he knew he had to go back home to them, and that he had to graduate to be able to do so. Even with nothing to fill in the blanks, he could hang this wish up in front of him and move forward because of it. He'll go home. He'll see his family again. And he'll remember.

He didn't need to remember. ]

...

( this scene is familiar, the spiral of the past, the same that he had done to hinata a long time ago, but komaeda doesn't feel hatred for his actions, nor does he pity, but trying to find his feelings on the matter is difficult, but he asked at the start if rokkun wanted to have this conversation with him — he gave that choice, so why is this his response. in a way, komaeda feels disappointed as he watches the other, but there's a moment he gives the benefit of the doubt if he really means that he hadn't gave up.

he takes a step forward, it's really like dealing with a child, one who doesn't get their way, and komaeda knows better than to feed into this. he lifts one arm, placing the palm of his hand over the one that the other clenches to get his attention. )

Don't.

( in a situation like this, he watched hinata's descent, the way he could hardly stand, he couldn't stomach the truth of being nothing. the truth of the matter is another story, but komaeda can only focus on the now, the wavering hope, and the ambition and goal that the other feels has been taken away from him. )

If you haven't, I want you to show me that. All I've seen is that the truth did nothing more than weigh you down, but I want to see the you that can overcome anything, the person that has always fought for what they wanted, no matter how messy and desperate they've seen... the idiot that has always told me to look at them, because he wanted me to see what heights he would achieve.

( but there's something about this that doesn't sit with him right, no matter how much he can hype up someone's hope, twist it so that their light shines on them. )

I want you to look at me, Rokkun... ( he exhales, breathy, keeping his grip firm around the other's hand, but he should know that he can pull away at any time. ) I want you to tell me what you want.

[ Komaeda's really out here ruining people's lives and making them cry.

He's not crying, though, even if he feels his eyes burning. The hand on his is cold, but the weight is still a comfort, and that fist slowly loosens and opens under Komaeda's palm.

What does he want? He doesn't know. He thinks of a time when he would have said "you," like an inside joke that's to be laughed off and so he can say what he feels, so he can push that attention away, and so he can wait for a swift rejection and a change in conversation and things to go back to normal. Instead, his thoughts are muddied. He doesn't want anything. He wants too many things. He wants to scream, to cry, to not feel anything at all. He wants to be that Rokuro that Komaeda sees, somebody to be admired. Or the child in the forest who'd gone the other way.

...

He lets out a breath and lifts his head, and then his eyes, and looks at Komaeda. ]

I want what I always have: to graduate, so I can go home to my family.

( the answer, that answer... sounds like an excuse, when he's aware that komaeda knows things, has seen from his memory, and could have so many answers. yet, he doesn't pry, he doesn't ask who was waiting at home, he remains the same, locking himself into the idea that graduation will give him what he desires. locks of white hair shift to cover the way his eyes stare at the other, almost empty, nothing behind them to say whether he's proud or disappointed. it could be that komaeda's trying to understand this hope, the way the other has committed himself to reform in this way.

...

...

if he can't use the past to move forward, to apply it to his hardships, and make something greater out of it. can he call... this hope something that he loves? komaeda thinks back to the times he's said he's loved his hope, that he would do anything to see it prosper, the excitement that bubbled up inside of him when he watched rokkun act without letting anything hold him down. the one who would be an idiot, deflect, and make komaeda curious, there was something smooth and mysterious about him, and he even had komaeda willingly playing along —

...

...

he hums next, as if thoughtful, and his gaze lowers to the male's fist, and he tilts his head to look, and a piece of hair tickles against his nose, the dark gradient curling under his eye next. he slowly turns the other's hand, having his palm face up so komaeda's fingers can run against the crescent marks of his nails, checking to see if he broke the skin, or anything close. )

Ah, then I believe we're cancelling our plans, since graduation is that important to you.

[ The ellipses are killing him, standing there in silence like he's awaiting judgement or hoping for approval, which is a stupid thought to have but it's there anyways. Stupid, looking down at his hand and watching Komaeda trace those marks on his palm, no skin broken but it stings and throbs and the marks are deep enough to still be felt, looking at Komaeda's hand in his and wanting to...

...

He looks up. ]

What plans?

Don't worry, we'll take care of them.

( this all started because rokkun wanted to know, and komaeda has never touched on the end of that journey. he can remember it for next time, but what good will it do knowing that kogamo... the person he worked so hard to see is here within the school, and he can't even allude to that.

that's why he thinks that a select group will have to take care of npc-kun, just for awhile longer until rokkun can overcome those frightful events, the despair he feels having them known.

... it doesn't excuse that he removed his memories away himself, but the feeling of not being able to go on, the hurdle of the past... embracing those hardships, that's what makes hope so enticing to komaeda, to watch a person go against all odds. )

...Rokkun, ( he leaves his hand there, but his pinky throbs from the constant contact ) how did you get rid of your memories, it'll help me piece together why this all happened.

( thinking about if anyone else spoke to rokkun this man would be murdering somebody. )

In the end, there's only one person to blame, so let's use what's at our disposal to find the culprit, shall we?

[ What? plans??

He tries to think back on it— the request to see the new year together, eloping to the forest, something about Saransk? But graduation has no bearing on any of those things. He'll leave the school, but

His eyes snap back up at the sound of his name. ]

Culprit? That one person to blame is me. And I told you why I did it.

( plans of letting amami take care of npc-kun because rokkun's being a bad boy. )

You're smart. Something we can finally agree on.

( the way this whole conversation has went so far, it makes komaeda slightly disappointed. his hand settles on his own hip, and he takes a few steps over to rokkun's grid... his lines, starting sketches...

he could break this right now, it's tempting. )

Then why did you blame us, why are you searching for someone to shoulder your mistakes... and not use the past to create your future, one that's brighter than the despair of back then...

( he sighs, touching the corner of it... he hasn't smudged anything yet, but... )

[ also he can't just steal rokkun's sibling wtf

He frowns when Komaeda touches the paper, absolutely staring down at that instead of at his eyes. ]

Throwing that memory away wasn't a mistake. Making me remember it was a mistake— seeing something personal that you aren't meant to see is a mistake. It's not your fault, but I'm allowed to be upset.

[ "upset"... putting it lightly... ]

( komaeda just wants to see his aratas together... )

You always knew, I didn't remind you of anything. Is your memory that poor? I asked if this was a conversation you wanted to have... in the end, this is just your own difficulties.

( he's upset, but komaeda doesn't really care at the moment as he's messing with the paper. rokkun was going to give it to him, wasn't he? )

If you hadn't thrown it away... you wouldn't be filled with such anger.

[ Oh this is rich, Komaeda talking to him about memory problems.

but

he's right about one thing: it's anger that festers in the pit of Rokkun's stomach and Komaeda had warned him of just that. What if reopening this wound made Rokkun hate him? What if it made him think differently of him? Would he still have wanted to hear?

...

He pushes away from the desk. ]

It's not like I have any choice in this matter. What's done is done. ...I'll see you later, Nagito.

You don't, you've already chosen this path...

( it can't be helped, yet, he can tell by the other's actions that he isn't happy about any of this. komaeda pauses, pulling away from the drawing so he can turn towards rokkun, and he stares in his direction. )

...Don't go.

( he sighs, crossing his arms, and even though he doesn't feel guilty... he doesn't want him to leave actually. his eyes glance down at the ground, before he walks closer to him. )

I came to see you.

[ "I came to ruin your life" is sort of how this feels now, in hindsight, and he hates that it's still enough to make him stop, the sentiment of somebody coming to see specifically him.

He's going to let Komaeda bridge the gap, waiting until he's right behind him before turning around. ]

Why?

( he's being difficult, and it's not like komaeda hasn't dealt with this sort of attitude before. he doesn't like reaching out from this end, because it won't go well...

just like how things turned already, and he feels as if he should just let him go. his choice, his decision, but the fact he stops, willing to hear him out is a lot of pressure. )

...You know why.

( because komaeda will kill himself, and write someone's name on the note. )

I waited all break for your return... to see you.

[ "To see you... so I can ruin your life..." It still fits this biased narrative of his, but at the same time, he's hearing words he could only ever dream of, selfishly making Komaeda say it, and he's soooooo so weak.

Somebody waiting for him to come back...

Somebody to come back for...

... ]

...Thanks. At least this time I made it back.

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this is the hand pose

when rokkun pisses steph off komaeda makes that hand pose

gonna break that hand

komaeda will kill himself ?

over a broken hand??

yeah this is komaeda what he supposed to do live?

just get a new hand

? SO who will cut komaedas body up into 1000s of pieces

there are so many people who would volunteer