adsum | npc contact.1

[ nms that concerned komaeda icon is so unnerving somehow ]

Yes, they are. But they're learning... or will learn. There are some who still don't know, aren't there? About the tallies.

( he might just snap, i've been flipping coins waiting. )

...Yep.

( when it comes to hope, komaeda has to play fair on both sides, but it's not like counselor can do anything with the information from how he acts. )

Sato-san revealed what they meant at one point, but only to a select few, and it was kept hidden from most of the group.

( it didn't bother him not knowing from them, he was already aware, and thankfully because of that he was able to tend to their hope. he did have to play dumb when overhearing mentions of tallies, or talking about them, things like that. )

Is the first tally referred to as the "gateway", or is that something I can ignore? When spoken to me, it seemed like something special happened on the first... but I'm seven tallies too far, and memory too short to even know.

[ The term makes the counselor laugh, but it's short lived, amusement out of surprise more than genuine humor. ]

Now, who called it that? How apt... I suppose it can be seen as such, in the same way one regards their first shot of cocaine, their first time having sex, their first kill... There will undoubtedly be something special about it, something that changes a person.

Pleasant descriptors, I can see the energy you're portraying for me.

( he guesses that's a nice way of putting it, but komaeda gets the idea, or he guesses how important it must have been to rokkun at the time... he does act like his life was changed from the start, and then when komaeda remembers the countless cuts... )

I was wondering if the term came from you, it almost makes him sound like a fanboy when he gives it a little name like that... ( at least someone can find humor out of this. ) You're aware of the third year that I'm familiar with... the soccer team captain.

[ I'm constantly reminded of this post, this is Rokkun ]

Former. Soccer team captain. I know who you're talking about.

( not his lil drink of water before he goes to kill a man stopppp. this also reminds me of him. )

...

( "former", he's going to ignore that. )

I'm surprised he hasn't spoken to you about it, he does seem rather fond of its meaning considering it changed his whole view.

[ He's a good kid... what went wrong... ]

Perhaps it's because it's me. There are people who do not trust counselors, or believe talking is worth their time. I can only help people who let me, and although I extend invitations to my office, they can say as little as they want and are free to leave whenever they want.

( looks off... what did he do to get like that... whose fault was that... )

He must be wary of you... I wonder what terrifies him.

( well komaeda is different from rokkun, so it makes sense why he probably says less — komaeda agrees that maybe rokkun doesn't trust him. he also thinks that rokkun doesn't speak more than what's necessary. can't fault him for that, but it does make one wonder who does he really trust in this place.

there's this long pause, not that he's hesitant, but it's like... he still has a few reservations about himself when it comes to rokkun. )

He likes when people look him in his eyes... probably for serious conversation, but you do that as well... whatever it is, he told me once... I was there for three ( going off my memory which is probably bad, so dementia be on komaeda's side ) of his marks, physically that is.

( mentally? well, komaeda can guess what that means. ) I wasn't there for the "gateway", so I thought you'd have information.

[ We're going with his dementia on this one but it doesn't matter because he runs into that same roadblock: ]

I can't discuss other students with you, Komaeda.

[ He does look up at Komaeda and holds his gaze, though, just like he mentioned. With Rokkun, it feels more like he's trying to hold you there so you can't run away; with the counselor, it feels more like he's searching for something inside, rather than the person in front of him. The effect is the same, maybe. ]

Why is it important for you to know?

That's a first, I haven't heard that before!

( i'm glad you noticed his dementia having ass, because i cry every time i have to do this to him. )

He's not just an other student... he's my...

( can easily tell komaeda doesn't want to say this because it's not even going to help with making the counselor budge, so it sounds stupid. ) partner in crime.

( ... as he says that, he seems a little tired, bothered by the connotation considering his own fault awhile back. it's only for a moment as he watches the counselor's eyes. he holds his stare without dropping it, but it's easy to see that komaeda looks through the counselor and talks at him, rather than talking to him. )

Hope is always important to me.

[ It sounds very stupid, and the counselor laughs that same laugh of amusement he did at the mention of a gateway, as if listening to the dramatic ramblings of a child. ]

His words, not yours, I assume? ...He has hope, but he's not your hope. And how can he be your partner if you aren't working together?

( doesn't it, this is what rokkun has put komaeda through. )

He hates me, that's why he won't explain anything or what made us partners.

( this may be him being dramatic, but since counselor is such a good listener. )

You're my mirror, so wouldn't you know best?

[ He nods like he gets it, that makes sense, Rokuro is the type to hate people and proceed to say nothing about anything. He takes after a certain somebody. ]

Mirrors don't know shit. They're just there to reflect.

[ He's not going to be helpful in any Rokkun lore. Komaeda's just going to have to talk to the people involved if he wants to know about other students. ]

( damn pop-n-law... ain't have to be like that, it's fine. )

You shouldn't talk so low about yourself, didn't you say it yourself... you still have answers?

( counselor isn't allowed to talk down about himself, only komaeda can be doing that because that's his god given right. )

A mirror shouldn't speak, but... you do.

[ He really doesn't want to explain the concept of metaphors right now, so he just smiles like that's an adequate answer. ]

I do. Speaking and listening is the easiest way of understanding. Despite what others might think or say... that's all I want.

I can see what you mean, but there's another option that works just as well as speaking and listening.

( a third route for someone to take, it's drastic, but it gets the meaning across considering he's done it once. it's unfortunate his switchblade was taken from him, but he can vaguely remember the exact damage he inflicted onto his hands and legs during that self-sacrifice. he sighs, looking at the palm of his organic arm as he can envision stabbing the blade into his flesh, no different from when he stabbed his arm to assist saihara — he seems too focused on the area before lifting his eyes back up to watch the counselor with a small smile. )

What do you think it is?

( is he waiting for a serious answer? well... )

[ Komaeda stabbing himself is the opposite of understanding, please, ]

Mind reading.

[ Or, as Stephanie likes to imagine, memory stealing. ]

...No, you're really bad at this.

( komaeda's never going to be normal and you know this, i'm crying, but at least counselor can deal with him... )

Is that something you can do as well, parse my thoughts...?

( he doubts it since he already failed with the stabbing attempt, but you know, sometimes we don't get what we want. )

Not in the way you're imagining. Besides, sharing in one's unfiltered thoughts is a real headache.

[ He would not want to, and there's no meaning if he takes what he wants rather than accept what's offered freely. ]

What's that third option? You're going to have to give me a hint, since I'm really bad at this.

Isn't it? Imagine being in my head all the time... anyway, the third option is... it would be dying, killing yourself.

( he doesn't mind doing it, rather, he doesn't have much will to live anyway so maybe that's why the idea comes so easily. his person is nothing but a headache for his ultimates, and if they requested it of him, he'd do it without second thought. he has one condition about it though, and that's he'll never submit to dying hopelessly, if he dies... he wants it to have meaning. it has to push his peers forward towards a goal, it has to give them a chance for something greater that they wouldn't have believed. they would have to thank him for his sacrifice, remember him. )

They'll learn to understand you... or rather, they'll have to because that's all that's left... put them in a position where they have no choice...

( one sided, but he doesn't care. )

But the worst thing that comes from that is being misunderstood... ( he sighs, depressed. ) sounds horrible.

...It is, isn't it? When you aren't understood in life, it's even harder to be understood in death, especially when you're no longer around to correct people.

[ Komaeda is right, though, in that people See you when you die, they can't help but wonder what sort of person you were... but a lot of times, it doesn't go past that, whether it's because death is something people inherently close their eyes to, or because there's no point in understanding if it's not going to bring that person back anyways. ]

What do you wish people would understand about you, Komaeda?

It's fine, even if you aren't there to correct them, they'll have to accept the fact that your death managed to lead them in a direction whether they like it or not.

( a sort of reassurance for some who can't bring themselves to, but the amount of time and preparation it takes to ensure their death has purpose should also be taken into account. if they can't have the other, at least they can have that. his lips purse into a straight line as he thinks on the question, what does he want people to understand... does he even want anything from them? someone like him shouldn't bother the ultimates, their time is more valuable and used for more important people —

then the crowd of talentless that komaeda has to deal with, the ones with problems he has to solve himself so that they don't bother the ultimates. it's necessary for there to be someone between the two, to keep them from tarnishing the ambition of his ultimates, from corrupting their beauty — it's a hard job, but only komaeda can keep up with someone so despairing. )

...Why would I want to be understood? I'm trash, weak, disgusting, sickening waste... my existence means nothing. Even now, I would never put that responsibility on my Ultimate peers.. I love them too much to. ( let him hug himself, he needs to... hold onto something. )

My body is a husk with no hope, ( it saddens him to think about, considering someone was supposed to find hope with him, but those are days long gone since he's trapped here. days to never appear since that someone decided to despise him again — that hope that he loved so much, gone. ) ...and with this mediocre talent, I can only feel better about myself because you're here right now...

( not in a good "i can talk to you," way but a "i'm an ultimate and better than you" way. )

[ Perhaps there's comfort in that too, in not being understood, in not being perceived, to exist but have no meaning tied to your existence. ]

Understanding is not a responsibility. It's a want.

[ "They have no choice but to understand" "They'll have to accept the fact whether they like it or not"

People are very good at denying things they don't want to accept. Just look at this school, and their experiences within it. ]

...Why talk to me and explain to me, when you don't want to be understood? Why talk to anybody else? Why be with them? Remember the first two options... talking, and listening... understanding will follow, just by being with people.

Not for the Ultimates... I would never have them deal with someone as incompetent as me...

( they deserve better than that, even now, it's lucky that he's in this room away from them so he doesn't have to ruin their day. his fingers dig into the fabric of his jacket as his eyes fall to the ground... it's always a nice feeling to think about the people he loves, you know! )

...You're the one who requested me to come here after killing someone, and it's hard to get good conversation when everyone hates me!

( it also feels like in this room... he doesn't know how far his luck will go, and if a meteor crashed and hit the counselor... komaeda wouldn't be sad at all. anyway, he's been distancing himself from others as of late anyway, he may have brought himself out of the library, but it's not like he makes an effort to really deal with them. because of that, who can he be understood by? )

Anyway, I have to be with the untalented because making the Ultimates be responsible for their stupidity will not happen on my watch! I have to talk to them, be with them, to protect the purity... Sigh... Only a job we can fulfill.

You can leave at any time.

[ He's probably said that before, I can't remember, but he reminds Komaeda again. It's a general fact of life, anyways, being able to leave when a situation isn't to your liking, and more people should take advantage of that fact. ]

It sounds like you have quite a job on your hands anyways, being responsible for the stupidity of the masses. How are you doing?

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

tw: suicide ideation

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject