adsum | npc contact.1

That's a first, I haven't heard that before!

( i'm glad you noticed his dementia having ass, because i cry every time i have to do this to him. )

He's not just an other student... he's my...

( can easily tell komaeda doesn't want to say this because it's not even going to help with making the counselor budge, so it sounds stupid. ) partner in crime.

( ... as he says that, he seems a little tired, bothered by the connotation considering his own fault awhile back. it's only for a moment as he watches the counselor's eyes. he holds his stare without dropping it, but it's easy to see that komaeda looks through the counselor and talks at him, rather than talking to him. )

Hope is always important to me.

[ It sounds very stupid, and the counselor laughs that same laugh of amusement he did at the mention of a gateway, as if listening to the dramatic ramblings of a child. ]

His words, not yours, I assume? ...He has hope, but he's not your hope. And how can he be your partner if you aren't working together?

( doesn't it, this is what rokkun has put komaeda through. )

He hates me, that's why he won't explain anything or what made us partners.

( this may be him being dramatic, but since counselor is such a good listener. )

You're my mirror, so wouldn't you know best?

[ He nods like he gets it, that makes sense, Rokuro is the type to hate people and proceed to say nothing about anything. He takes after a certain somebody. ]

Mirrors don't know shit. They're just there to reflect.

[ He's not going to be helpful in any Rokkun lore. Komaeda's just going to have to talk to the people involved if he wants to know about other students. ]

( damn pop-n-law... ain't have to be like that, it's fine. )

You shouldn't talk so low about yourself, didn't you say it yourself... you still have answers?

( counselor isn't allowed to talk down about himself, only komaeda can be doing that because that's his god given right. )

A mirror shouldn't speak, but... you do.

[ He really doesn't want to explain the concept of metaphors right now, so he just smiles like that's an adequate answer. ]

I do. Speaking and listening is the easiest way of understanding. Despite what others might think or say... that's all I want.

I can see what you mean, but there's another option that works just as well as speaking and listening.

( a third route for someone to take, it's drastic, but it gets the meaning across considering he's done it once. it's unfortunate his switchblade was taken from him, but he can vaguely remember the exact damage he inflicted onto his hands and legs during that self-sacrifice. he sighs, looking at the palm of his organic arm as he can envision stabbing the blade into his flesh, no different from when he stabbed his arm to assist saihara — he seems too focused on the area before lifting his eyes back up to watch the counselor with a small smile. )

What do you think it is?

( is he waiting for a serious answer? well... )

[ Komaeda stabbing himself is the opposite of understanding, please, ]

Mind reading.

[ Or, as Stephanie likes to imagine, memory stealing. ]

...No, you're really bad at this.

( komaeda's never going to be normal and you know this, i'm crying, but at least counselor can deal with him... )

Is that something you can do as well, parse my thoughts...?

( he doubts it since he already failed with the stabbing attempt, but you know, sometimes we don't get what we want. )

Not in the way you're imagining. Besides, sharing in one's unfiltered thoughts is a real headache.

[ He would not want to, and there's no meaning if he takes what he wants rather than accept what's offered freely. ]

What's that third option? You're going to have to give me a hint, since I'm really bad at this.

Isn't it? Imagine being in my head all the time... anyway, the third option is... it would be dying, killing yourself.

( he doesn't mind doing it, rather, he doesn't have much will to live anyway so maybe that's why the idea comes so easily. his person is nothing but a headache for his ultimates, and if they requested it of him, he'd do it without second thought. he has one condition about it though, and that's he'll never submit to dying hopelessly, if he dies... he wants it to have meaning. it has to push his peers forward towards a goal, it has to give them a chance for something greater that they wouldn't have believed. they would have to thank him for his sacrifice, remember him. )

They'll learn to understand you... or rather, they'll have to because that's all that's left... put them in a position where they have no choice...

( one sided, but he doesn't care. )

But the worst thing that comes from that is being misunderstood... ( he sighs, depressed. ) sounds horrible.

...It is, isn't it? When you aren't understood in life, it's even harder to be understood in death, especially when you're no longer around to correct people.

[ Komaeda is right, though, in that people See you when you die, they can't help but wonder what sort of person you were... but a lot of times, it doesn't go past that, whether it's because death is something people inherently close their eyes to, or because there's no point in understanding if it's not going to bring that person back anyways. ]

What do you wish people would understand about you, Komaeda?

It's fine, even if you aren't there to correct them, they'll have to accept the fact that your death managed to lead them in a direction whether they like it or not.

( a sort of reassurance for some who can't bring themselves to, but the amount of time and preparation it takes to ensure their death has purpose should also be taken into account. if they can't have the other, at least they can have that. his lips purse into a straight line as he thinks on the question, what does he want people to understand... does he even want anything from them? someone like him shouldn't bother the ultimates, their time is more valuable and used for more important people —

then the crowd of talentless that komaeda has to deal with, the ones with problems he has to solve himself so that they don't bother the ultimates. it's necessary for there to be someone between the two, to keep them from tarnishing the ambition of his ultimates, from corrupting their beauty — it's a hard job, but only komaeda can keep up with someone so despairing. )

...Why would I want to be understood? I'm trash, weak, disgusting, sickening waste... my existence means nothing. Even now, I would never put that responsibility on my Ultimate peers.. I love them too much to. ( let him hug himself, he needs to... hold onto something. )

My body is a husk with no hope, ( it saddens him to think about, considering someone was supposed to find hope with him, but those are days long gone since he's trapped here. days to never appear since that someone decided to despise him again — that hope that he loved so much, gone. ) ...and with this mediocre talent, I can only feel better about myself because you're here right now...

( not in a good "i can talk to you," way but a "i'm an ultimate and better than you" way. )

[ Perhaps there's comfort in that too, in not being understood, in not being perceived, to exist but have no meaning tied to your existence. ]

Understanding is not a responsibility. It's a want.

[ "They have no choice but to understand" "They'll have to accept the fact whether they like it or not"

People are very good at denying things they don't want to accept. Just look at this school, and their experiences within it. ]

...Why talk to me and explain to me, when you don't want to be understood? Why talk to anybody else? Why be with them? Remember the first two options... talking, and listening... understanding will follow, just by being with people.

Not for the Ultimates... I would never have them deal with someone as incompetent as me...

( they deserve better than that, even now, it's lucky that he's in this room away from them so he doesn't have to ruin their day. his fingers dig into the fabric of his jacket as his eyes fall to the ground... it's always a nice feeling to think about the people he loves, you know! )

...You're the one who requested me to come here after killing someone, and it's hard to get good conversation when everyone hates me!

( it also feels like in this room... he doesn't know how far his luck will go, and if a meteor crashed and hit the counselor... komaeda wouldn't be sad at all. anyway, he's been distancing himself from others as of late anyway, he may have brought himself out of the library, but it's not like he makes an effort to really deal with them. because of that, who can he be understood by? )

Anyway, I have to be with the untalented because making the Ultimates be responsible for their stupidity will not happen on my watch! I have to talk to them, be with them, to protect the purity... Sigh... Only a job we can fulfill.

You can leave at any time.

[ He's probably said that before, I can't remember, but he reminds Komaeda again. It's a general fact of life, anyways, being able to leave when a situation isn't to your liking, and more people should take advantage of that fact. ]

It sounds like you have quite a job on your hands anyways, being responsible for the stupidity of the masses. How are you doing?

Do you want me to go?

( he has said that before, or something to that extent, but komaeda is a firm believer in doing what he wants. if someone asked him to do a particular thing, he doesn't want to, or he'll do something else... that's how this works. of course, he'll carry on before the other can answer. )

...Hm. For the ones that lack talent.

( letting himself go, he's going to stand properly as hands slip into the pockets of his jacket, and he glances up at the ceiling. )

They surprise me, sometimes, but they depend on certain people than depending on themselves... it is... hard to watch, but that's what stupidity does.

They surprise me too. Every day, continuously.

[ And he smiles as he says so, leaning back upon his seat on his desk, looking at Komaeda. ]

That doesn't answer my question, though. How are you doing?

( why did he ask that again? the worst part, komaeda stares at him like he doesn't understand the question. is he doing good? is he doing bad? he doesn't really think about himself all that much... why should he? he has... other important people and things to tend to. )

...

( as he was saying... )

Anyway, I wonder if there's more I can do for them... I'd kill again, but it takes so much thought to make the perfect murder... and who would make the best stepping stone...

( saihara already called dibs on maya, and the vice principle although shaken... will the school fall if she does missing? he looks at the counselor, almost like he's thinking about it. if he kills him... what then? dito probably go insane. )

[ I forgot Shuichi plans to kill Maya and laughed

The counselor meets Komaeda's eyes through the silence and the musing, but most of these students Komaeda involves himself with has never met the counselor; his death wouldn't effect them at all, wouldn't result in anything more than an approving nod and life would go on. ]

Somebody beloved.

[ Who is the most well liked person in the school? Kill them and watch everybody rise to avenge them. ]

Someone loved by the masses...

( he thinks about it, and his mind falls to a particular person within their group. someone... loved by mostly everyone here, and he sighs. )

Stephanie Meanswell would be the perfect choice, a proper stepping stone for them all, I wonder... what they'd do.

( and yet, he shakes his head after as he recalls something important. )

Alas, a lost cause... her mood is far from hopeful, and that is worse than death so there's no need.

( "would you kill me, right here, if you thought it'd give everybody hope. because if our lives are only important if we have hope, then mine doesn't mean anything anymore." ) You oversee us, or our murders, who do you find is loved here? ...Do you even know what love is?

I know love. But love is different for different people.

[ And in his case, whether he feels it towards specific students... would be inappropriate to say, so he doesn't. ]

Why don't you do your best to make her happy, restore that hope?

Restore that hope so I can be the one to kill her afterwards, there's nothing hopeful in that.

( he pauses, thinking about what he can do for her right now in his current state. he's had his high, and he's rode it down... and then horrible things happened one after the other... now here he is, speaking with someone he doesn't know about the hope of others. )

She has to make her own hope, become the way she used to be, and that hope... is more beautiful than what I can do. Then her death will strike a chord in them all, but... her death must have meaning for them... not to stop them in their tracks, but to push them to their next goal...

( a pause... )

Is she capable of that sort of hope?

[ Yes. But there's no point in him answer the question. ]

What do you think? You know her better than me.

[ The counselor's got bullshit mindreading on his side but Komaeda— he's the one who talks with her, interacts with her, has been hugged by her and understands her more than the counselor could hope to. ]

People don't generate hope out of nothing. Hope is in response to something; there's no reason you can't be that something.

( what is this MAN'S PROBLEMMMMMM. )

I understand that, I know that... everyone else however, they don't understand it like you do — like I do.

( some people would feel backed into a corner by having such a close relationship that they could use to their advantage to kill someone. it's just that... komaeda used hope as a reason before when he went after aiko, that's done its job, but anything he does will be for hope... as long as everyone has hope... )

I don't have hope to give, she's a smart girl... ( he sighs, thinking... give him a moment, and he looks around... got any books? komaeda has to touch something because he can't sit still. ) Do you know of the undead students here? The ones that Ishimaru-kun fought, creatures like that.

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tw: suicide ideation

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