adsum | npc contact.1

[ Komaeda stabbing himself is the opposite of understanding, please, ]

Mind reading.

[ Or, as Stephanie likes to imagine, memory stealing. ]

...No, you're really bad at this.

( komaeda's never going to be normal and you know this, i'm crying, but at least counselor can deal with him... )

Is that something you can do as well, parse my thoughts...?

( he doubts it since he already failed with the stabbing attempt, but you know, sometimes we don't get what we want. )

Not in the way you're imagining. Besides, sharing in one's unfiltered thoughts is a real headache.

[ He would not want to, and there's no meaning if he takes what he wants rather than accept what's offered freely. ]

What's that third option? You're going to have to give me a hint, since I'm really bad at this.

Isn't it? Imagine being in my head all the time... anyway, the third option is... it would be dying, killing yourself.

( he doesn't mind doing it, rather, he doesn't have much will to live anyway so maybe that's why the idea comes so easily. his person is nothing but a headache for his ultimates, and if they requested it of him, he'd do it without second thought. he has one condition about it though, and that's he'll never submit to dying hopelessly, if he dies... he wants it to have meaning. it has to push his peers forward towards a goal, it has to give them a chance for something greater that they wouldn't have believed. they would have to thank him for his sacrifice, remember him. )

They'll learn to understand you... or rather, they'll have to because that's all that's left... put them in a position where they have no choice...

( one sided, but he doesn't care. )

But the worst thing that comes from that is being misunderstood... ( he sighs, depressed. ) sounds horrible.

...It is, isn't it? When you aren't understood in life, it's even harder to be understood in death, especially when you're no longer around to correct people.

[ Komaeda is right, though, in that people See you when you die, they can't help but wonder what sort of person you were... but a lot of times, it doesn't go past that, whether it's because death is something people inherently close their eyes to, or because there's no point in understanding if it's not going to bring that person back anyways. ]

What do you wish people would understand about you, Komaeda?

It's fine, even if you aren't there to correct them, they'll have to accept the fact that your death managed to lead them in a direction whether they like it or not.

( a sort of reassurance for some who can't bring themselves to, but the amount of time and preparation it takes to ensure their death has purpose should also be taken into account. if they can't have the other, at least they can have that. his lips purse into a straight line as he thinks on the question, what does he want people to understand... does he even want anything from them? someone like him shouldn't bother the ultimates, their time is more valuable and used for more important people —

then the crowd of talentless that komaeda has to deal with, the ones with problems he has to solve himself so that they don't bother the ultimates. it's necessary for there to be someone between the two, to keep them from tarnishing the ambition of his ultimates, from corrupting their beauty — it's a hard job, but only komaeda can keep up with someone so despairing. )

...Why would I want to be understood? I'm trash, weak, disgusting, sickening waste... my existence means nothing. Even now, I would never put that responsibility on my Ultimate peers.. I love them too much to. ( let him hug himself, he needs to... hold onto something. )

My body is a husk with no hope, ( it saddens him to think about, considering someone was supposed to find hope with him, but those are days long gone since he's trapped here. days to never appear since that someone decided to despise him again — that hope that he loved so much, gone. ) ...and with this mediocre talent, I can only feel better about myself because you're here right now...

( not in a good "i can talk to you," way but a "i'm an ultimate and better than you" way. )

[ Perhaps there's comfort in that too, in not being understood, in not being perceived, to exist but have no meaning tied to your existence. ]

Understanding is not a responsibility. It's a want.

[ "They have no choice but to understand" "They'll have to accept the fact whether they like it or not"

People are very good at denying things they don't want to accept. Just look at this school, and their experiences within it. ]

...Why talk to me and explain to me, when you don't want to be understood? Why talk to anybody else? Why be with them? Remember the first two options... talking, and listening... understanding will follow, just by being with people.

Not for the Ultimates... I would never have them deal with someone as incompetent as me...

( they deserve better than that, even now, it's lucky that he's in this room away from them so he doesn't have to ruin their day. his fingers dig into the fabric of his jacket as his eyes fall to the ground... it's always a nice feeling to think about the people he loves, you know! )

...You're the one who requested me to come here after killing someone, and it's hard to get good conversation when everyone hates me!

( it also feels like in this room... he doesn't know how far his luck will go, and if a meteor crashed and hit the counselor... komaeda wouldn't be sad at all. anyway, he's been distancing himself from others as of late anyway, he may have brought himself out of the library, but it's not like he makes an effort to really deal with them. because of that, who can he be understood by? )

Anyway, I have to be with the untalented because making the Ultimates be responsible for their stupidity will not happen on my watch! I have to talk to them, be with them, to protect the purity... Sigh... Only a job we can fulfill.

You can leave at any time.

[ He's probably said that before, I can't remember, but he reminds Komaeda again. It's a general fact of life, anyways, being able to leave when a situation isn't to your liking, and more people should take advantage of that fact. ]

It sounds like you have quite a job on your hands anyways, being responsible for the stupidity of the masses. How are you doing?

Do you want me to go?

( he has said that before, or something to that extent, but komaeda is a firm believer in doing what he wants. if someone asked him to do a particular thing, he doesn't want to, or he'll do something else... that's how this works. of course, he'll carry on before the other can answer. )

...Hm. For the ones that lack talent.

( letting himself go, he's going to stand properly as hands slip into the pockets of his jacket, and he glances up at the ceiling. )

They surprise me, sometimes, but they depend on certain people than depending on themselves... it is... hard to watch, but that's what stupidity does.

They surprise me too. Every day, continuously.

[ And he smiles as he says so, leaning back upon his seat on his desk, looking at Komaeda. ]

That doesn't answer my question, though. How are you doing?

( why did he ask that again? the worst part, komaeda stares at him like he doesn't understand the question. is he doing good? is he doing bad? he doesn't really think about himself all that much... why should he? he has... other important people and things to tend to. )

...

( as he was saying... )

Anyway, I wonder if there's more I can do for them... I'd kill again, but it takes so much thought to make the perfect murder... and who would make the best stepping stone...

( saihara already called dibs on maya, and the vice principle although shaken... will the school fall if she does missing? he looks at the counselor, almost like he's thinking about it. if he kills him... what then? dito probably go insane. )

[ I forgot Shuichi plans to kill Maya and laughed

The counselor meets Komaeda's eyes through the silence and the musing, but most of these students Komaeda involves himself with has never met the counselor; his death wouldn't effect them at all, wouldn't result in anything more than an approving nod and life would go on. ]

Somebody beloved.

[ Who is the most well liked person in the school? Kill them and watch everybody rise to avenge them. ]

Someone loved by the masses...

( he thinks about it, and his mind falls to a particular person within their group. someone... loved by mostly everyone here, and he sighs. )

Stephanie Meanswell would be the perfect choice, a proper stepping stone for them all, I wonder... what they'd do.

( and yet, he shakes his head after as he recalls something important. )

Alas, a lost cause... her mood is far from hopeful, and that is worse than death so there's no need.

( "would you kill me, right here, if you thought it'd give everybody hope. because if our lives are only important if we have hope, then mine doesn't mean anything anymore." ) You oversee us, or our murders, who do you find is loved here? ...Do you even know what love is?

I know love. But love is different for different people.

[ And in his case, whether he feels it towards specific students... would be inappropriate to say, so he doesn't. ]

Why don't you do your best to make her happy, restore that hope?

Restore that hope so I can be the one to kill her afterwards, there's nothing hopeful in that.

( he pauses, thinking about what he can do for her right now in his current state. he's had his high, and he's rode it down... and then horrible things happened one after the other... now here he is, speaking with someone he doesn't know about the hope of others. )

She has to make her own hope, become the way she used to be, and that hope... is more beautiful than what I can do. Then her death will strike a chord in them all, but... her death must have meaning for them... not to stop them in their tracks, but to push them to their next goal...

( a pause... )

Is she capable of that sort of hope?

[ Yes. But there's no point in him answer the question. ]

What do you think? You know her better than me.

[ The counselor's got bullshit mindreading on his side but Komaeda— he's the one who talks with her, interacts with her, has been hugged by her and understands her more than the counselor could hope to. ]

People don't generate hope out of nothing. Hope is in response to something; there's no reason you can't be that something.

( what is this MAN'S PROBLEMMMMMM. )

I understand that, I know that... everyone else however, they don't understand it like you do — like I do.

( some people would feel backed into a corner by having such a close relationship that they could use to their advantage to kill someone. it's just that... komaeda used hope as a reason before when he went after aiko, that's done its job, but anything he does will be for hope... as long as everyone has hope... )

I don't have hope to give, she's a smart girl... ( he sighs, thinking... give him a moment, and he looks around... got any books? komaeda has to touch something because he can't sit still. ) Do you know of the undead students here? The ones that Ishimaru-kun fought, creatures like that.

[ He's a counselor. Anyways, Komaeda can have... clicks thread from start... a sakura rice cracker, since the only other thing in this room are the various types of chairs. ]

So you abandon her like you abandon this conversation. [ Alright. ] What about the students?

( abandon?? that's not exactly what he's doing, not this guilt tripping ass counselor to make komaeda murder. can't stand this family. )

You're not very smart, are you? If it's for hope, I'll do anything, living, dying it's all the same.

( but he would never abandon hope, that's all he has left in this cruel world. no one to love! no one to cherish! no family! nothing! but his job to deal with people and help them create a foundation with their hope. )

I don't want her to become one of those things.

( :/ that's what he was going to say... )

[ He just said he wouldn't help her? even if it's to give her hope?? But it's not the right kind of hope, Komaeda is a hope snob ]

Then don't let her.

[ What does he want the counselor to say about this... ]

You know who's involved, and how to prevent it from happening.

( because she has to make her own hope damn, who he look like?? the man who dispenses the hope? so what if he's a hope snob!! when he was younger he was a bigger snob, now he's older and looks at all the hope... )

Prevent it? Sounds like I have to keep her corpse with me.

( what in the fuck, i'm crying. stephanie did say she didn't want to be alone when she was dead, but... )

...They asked me this a lot a long time ago. Whose side are you on?

( komaeda plays team hope, like team jacob... but hope is sexier. )

[ There are other ways of preventing it from happening, Komaeda, please. Don't leave Steph alone when she's dead though, maybe he should just carry her around, she can join Izumi in the "I have no idea wtf y'all did with this body" club. ]

I do things for my own selfish reasons, but perhaps my reasons align with others. What are the sides?

( WHAT OTHER WAYS? komaeda goes to rokkun like "tell (y)our friend not to turn stephanie into a zombie or i'll kill myself"?? like komaeda would do that, but look... trying to look stable here. you ever think about dito is her classmate, he'd probably want her eyes too NOOOOOO. )

I'm on the side of hope, the only one that matters to me... ( his love for hope... ) what sides do you believe exist in this school?

( he'll give him a little help. )

At one point of time, there was the transfers and the natives.

[ He could say that and it would work?? Rokkun can't help with the Dito thing though ]

As a member of the faculty, you're all students to me. Students and faculty are two sides, but it's clear enough where I stand for you not to have to ask.

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tw: suicide ideation

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