adsum | npc contact.1

I'm not—

( But he is, and he's plainly frustrated that she noticed; that it was apparent enough. And of course she wouldn't speak in it: she probably walks alone. There's no need to talk if you're going off on your own.

But they're together, and... well, he keeps his voice quiet at least; he has enough respect for that, short bites of conversation as unobtrusive to the dead as possible. )

As long as you take care not to touch the gorinTOS, I suppose that it IS.

[ There's a shrug of her shoulders, acknowledgement without saying anything out loud, but at least the hall doesn't stretch on forever and soon they're in a more familiar talking space that is the stairwell.

Maya walks up first. ]

You aren't meant to touch those in the first place. It's rude.

[ Like talking too loudly in a graveyard, this sort of thing is common sense. Unless you opened the door and got buried in an avalanche of them and had no other choice. ]

I wouldn't touch them if I had a CHOICE.

( Slightly offended she is implying he would... He isn't that rude... Stop it. He does breathe a little easier though, glanci... looking back over his shoulder at the fourth floor before he follows her up. )

I found myself covered in them at the end of BREAK. I hadn't realized someone'd put them all against the door to entrap anyone desiring to sneak onto the rooftop while school was CLOSED. ( Because they can't always be there, since Maya goes up this way? ) Do you like hiKING?

[ Sometimes other things, like curiosity or the drive to know, overpower manners. Look at Shuichi.

There's another glance his way at the booby trapped fourth floor door, but otherwise no surprise or concern; Natsume's alive, what of him she can see isn't all bruised and battered, so he's fine and it's fine. ]

If you're asking if I came here often, before the elevator was installed, the answer is no.

[ If he's talking about nature hikes then that's personal information with no relevance here ]

Do you think I'd invest in such pathetic pick-up LINES?

( ................... okay maybe he would but not the p )

I asked because after that avaLANCHE, I found myself entrenched in darkNESS. After following some stars and... ( he pauses; he doesn't want to admit to... but. ) extinguishing some unlucky LIGHTS, I found myself falLING, like I were Alice tumbling into a rabbit HOLE.

And I landed in the WOODS, and from there I had a merry little hike that involved a baby BEAR, a cemetary of meTAL, and a drop into a riVER. ( normal things. ) What do you think of THAT? ...I'm not a fan of hiking either, by the WAY.

[ She stares at him because maybe... before opening the door to the rooftop, eyes initially downcast to avoid the sudden glare of the sunlight. It's quiet up here. Empty. Grimy with years of built up dirt. And it's hot with the sun almost directly overhead and the only thing able to cast shade being the this thing that Rina taught me is called a bulkhead, but only a foot or so of it on one side.

It's that sliver of shade that Maya stands in, leaning back against the wall.

What does she think... Natsume hitting his head and dreaming all this up is a strong candidate. ]

Like I said before, it's the atmosphere. When I say "open your eyes" I don't mean the ones in your skull. Think on things, rather than taking everything literally, especially an experience like that. Interpret it as you would a dream.

( that forces him to either stand in the shade really close to her, or stand an appropriate distance from her in the sun--he chooses the latter. to see her expression better, even if it so rarely changes. )

If it's just the atmoSPHERE, Little Wolf, then why did these ( he hooks his fingers under his long sleeve on his left arm and pulls it up, fifteen tallies neatly lined on his wrist. ) go up in numBER?

( he'll keep it rolled up, tracing a nail under them, not waiting for her answer before he continues, voice even and firm. )

Two at the start of the YEAR, with no memory of how I got THEM. Four for-- ( ... ) for killing four of my fellow stuDENTS. One more for taking care of that flour child before break starTED. Eight for clapping lights--souls--to see the way BY.

( at least, he's pretty sure that's why he has those. he didn't hurt anything else, traumatizing a three year old aside.

...it's uncomfortable to have them out, but he rolls up his right sleeve too so he at least Matches and isn't an asymmetrical mess. he purses his lips, and continues a little gentler. )

I've been thinking plenty, to be hoNEST. I just like to talk when I'm more sure of my FACTS, and I haven't collected enough of those YET.

[ She schools her expression as best she can, but she still breathes out when Natsume admits to murdering— and four students, at that— gaze lingering on his wrist for a moment longer before looking back up to meet his eyes. ]

You asked to talk to me now, without all the facts. An odd choice, considering I don't have any relation to stars and bears.

[ Then, because he thinks she has answers? Maybe. But she's of the opinion it won't do him any good unless he comes to the conclusion himself. ]

( It doesn't make him smile when she has a reaction—not a happy one, anyway, more like an ah-ha type of one. It fades as quickly as it comes, his gaze holding hers steadily. )

I wanted to ask you if you had any strange experiences on the fourth FLOOR, and I wanted to talk about MINE.

( If she has answers, if she has any relations... neither of those really matter; they're nice to have, but they don't really matter. Sometimes he needs a soundboard who's closer to the same level as him who isn't fucking Nagito Komaeda. )

...At the end of that memory I was talking aBOUT, we met a young man and his younger sibLING. ( Ah. ) It wasn't just me there; I had three compaNIONS. That isn't that important though—what's important is that young MAN.

His name was Rokuro, and one of my companions recognized him clearly as Rokuro Arata—one of our senPAI. He died when he was in middle SCHOOL, in the COLD, not that far from his home where he had a younger sibling waiting for him or for someone ELSE. ( ... ) If he died back THEN, how is he here NOW?

( It doesn't really sound like a question to answer, or one that he thinks she can, but—one that's been in his thoughts lately. )

[ Please find more people to talk to than Komaeda and Maya. If only she knew... Actually, she's sort of wishing she knew less, because this isn't the give-and-take relationship she thought they were in agreement on. It's just him giving and her not knowing what to do with it all, besides organize this mess of thoughts and give it back. ]

Perhaps Arata can tell you better than I can.

[ The person he should have gone to, in Maya's opinion, but it's good that he didn't because Rokkun may just well break one of Natsume's limbs for "trespassing" as they'd done. ]

...Sakasaki, have you ever asked yourself why you're here now? Or where those first two marks of yours came from, that you don't remember?

[ Maybe, maybe not. But he should ask himself now if he hasn't before, and draw his conclusion from the context given. ]

( He has friends other than her and Komaeda, but that doesn't mean they're on the same annoying-as-hell level as him; he could never talk about any of this undistilled with Nene, for example, or Hiro; not with Stephanie or Rika or Noah, Clamor or... Definitely not Subaru.

And maybe if she gave back or asked him for literally anything it would be more give-and-take, but she doesn't, so Natsume gives and gives and accepts the fact she reflects his words and thoughts back to him, in much neater words, as payment enough. For now.

He'll pay her back in a way she can recognize without getting mad at him for it one day. That rooftop picnic where she can eat two bites as a courtesy and then throw him off the school. )

...Of course I HAVE. ( He touches his first two marks idly, finally casting his gaze down—but not to his wrist, to hers. He's never looked too closely at the Arisus, for better or for worse. ) I'm clueless and don't remember anything prior to the start of this YEAR, but that doesn't mean I don't THINK.

And maybe I'm scared ( he says quieter, not looking at her ) at the possibilities I've thought OF.

( Which is weak. He knows it is. )

[ Her gaze follows his when he glances down at her wrist, but she doesn't try to hide it or pull it away; she's wearing long sleeves, even in the summer, and Hiro does the same. Any marks that may be on the wrists are covered, cuffs measured just right to prevent any skin from showing when arms are bent, but not so long that it appears as if they're covering something.

But this isn't about her. It's about him and his tallies, and that fear that Maya should be sympathetic to, perhaps, but she isn't. She's been saying this since the beginning of the year. ]

If you close your eyes, you will always be lost. Look at me, Sakasaki.

[ and she will wait until he does ]

...Don't look away. Tell me what you think.

( Ordinarily he'd celebrate people who do the same as him, but he gets the feeling that maybe, they're really doing it for the same reason as him.

It isn't anyone's business.

He almost looks when she commands him like that, but he doesn't; he waits for his heart to return to normal pace and looks back up, expression schooled neutral but wariness plain in his eyes. )

I think we're already DEAD, every last one of US, and that this is simply some sort of purgatoRY. To graduate is to simply reincarNATE, to be given the chance to try aGAIN. Eventually all return to these halls and go through the cycle aGAIN. And to die here ( or to be killed here ) means you lose your CHANCE.

( But maybe not permanently. Nao's alive, but had she ever really been dead? Well and truly dead, or just put into a stasis—the only way someone could save her after something so terrible had been committed against her? Maybe he should have asked her how long she's had her tally. )

[ Maya is quiet, watching Natsume more than she is paying close attention to his words, although she is listening. There's no change in her expression through all of it, nothing to indicate agreement or disagreement, no confirmation of whether he's right or wrong.

She's silent for a moment longer after he stops speaking, before she starts to. ]

And what part are you so frightened of? The possibility of being dead? Reincarnation? Or not being able to?

( There's only one thing he's been working towards this whole time: returning to whence he came, resuming his work, being with his unit—because it's where he belongs. Even if now he isn't going to be exactly the same, him without being him.

The answer is obvious. It's simple. People here cull the herd to graduate, but for him, all he wanted was to live, and so— )

Being DEAD.

( Is that stupid? He can't accept it, not when Chiaki Kudo is dead because he didn't want to be. )

[ There's that silence that follows his words again, as if Maya were carefully choosing what she wants to say, more so than she usually does. ]

What part about being dead?

[ For a lot of people, it's the uncertainty of what comes after death, but here they are. For others, it's never being able to see their loved ones again, but graduation holds the promise otherwise. ]

( Don't be so cautious, Maya... It puts him on edge, like she's deciding how to deliver news he might not be ready to hear.

Is there ever a specific part? There's a lot of them—he isn't afraid of dying but he's afraid of leaving things undone or unsaid, of not being able to watch over carefully planted seeds and being able to help them grow in the way he wants them to. )

The part where I can't go back to how everything was before I DIED.

( Never mind the, well, the obvious. )

I have too many things left unfinished—reGRETS, I suppose anyone would call THEM. I've been trying to understand this school and how we came to be here so that we—I—could find a way BACK, whatever the cost might BE, to return to our ordinary LIVES. So that I could return to Sora and Senpai, and...

( ... )

Does it matter what part of being dead scares ME, or are you just stalling for TIME?

No, it doesn't matter what part scares you. [ At least this question, she can answer without hesitation. ] The consideration is still important, however.

[ The thinking matters, not turning away matters, acceptance matters. And it's something that takes time; this isn't a conversation that can be rushed. ]

If all of this is true, and you are able to go back, would you live any differently than you had before? Having regrets is at odds to wanting everything to go back to how it was.

( Would he live any differently?

...No, but that's because he doesn't know if living that way is what culminated in a death—but if he's here, and if being "here" means being "dead," then something in the way he lived must have contributed to it. Natsume presses his lips together, covers his tallies with a hand without thinking about it. His shoulders are one tight, tense line, and he can't seem to shake it. )

"How it was" is that I was aLIVE, working to better my seniors' names at SCHOOL, working to provide a perfect stage for my uNIT, working to make the tiny, weak agency we've signed onTO, that we control thanks to Senpai's manageMENT, into one that can rival the others under Ensemble Square's banNER. But if I died in the middle of doing all of THAT, if any of that contributed to my being HERE, then—

( Would he?

The answer is stuck in his throat. There's so much good in all of that. So much for everyone, for Sora, for himself. It isn't just about him when it comes to what he's doing at home: it's manipulative and greedy but it's for the sake of other people. Maybe not what amounts to the revision of history at school, though, he's aware that's selfish but even his seniors deserved to be celebrated instead of recorded as monsters—

He pushes past it. )

I'd have TO. ( Natsume guesses it isn't a matter of what he wants; it's what he needs to do. He didn't give up his eyesight because he wanted to, no more than he killed someone and intended to hide it because he wanted to, no more than he's played nice with people he'd otherwise detest, no more than... ) But that'd depend entirely on if I'd know about what happens after dying if I'm able to reTURN, or if I knew exactly what caused IT. If I forget everything HERE, everyone HERE, or I'm unable to learn the truth of what hapPENED, then I'm liable to make the same mistakes that lead me to THIS.

And then it'd just rePEAT, over and oVER. ( To drown in the futility of it all. ) ...Is that an acceptable TAKE, Maya?

[ ...It really is a whole different world that Natsume lives in, but she'd always known that. She knew it from the first time he spoke with her, how utterly incomprehensible he is in everything he says and does and believes— is what she thought, anyways, line of her lips thinning at the resignation, eyes darting up in surprise at the usage of her name, though she looks away after, and then is forced to look at him again because that's what she does when she talks. ]

It's passable. [ ... ] Sakasaki.

[ But she also shakes her head, because she does not believe in futility, or giving into it. ]

Even if you forget and make the same mistakes, things will not happen exactly the same as before. Your actions and your feelings affect and shape you, your soul, in ways you are not always conscious of. Every time you take a life, or lose one, it is bound to leave a mark, for better or for worse. As long as you experience, you will change.

[ And as long as he changes, makes a different choice here and there, the spiral won't go on forever. ]

( Okay, that gets him to smile a bit—the way she reacts to her name is cute, and he knows it's because he rarely ever uses it for her, especially unadorned.

But he listens to her carefully, the smile quietly fading from his face but not his eyes, tucked in the corners of them. )

What the mind forGETS, the heart rememBERS... Isn't that how it GOES? ( Something like that; muscle memory but for feelings. Heart, soul, it's all the same: it's the core of you.

And he thinks about something he told Stephanie, long ago, that no matter what happened here, she would still be her; and he thinks about what he told Subaru not all that long ago, that regardless of what he's been through now and sacrificed now he's still him... There are still inalienable traits that make them who they are.

It doesn't have to be at odds with what Maya's saying, either. He can still be a glutton for information and someone who desires to bring a smile to people's faces, and still have learned innately from what he's experienced here, whether or not he really remembers it. It's a hopeful thought, though how much he actually believes it is... middling, but it isn't like Maya's ever lied to him, really. Not in any way he can think of, or a way he could prove. She just either answers or she doesn't. Refusing to elaborate past a certain point isn't lying, after all. )

I suppose it's possible that I'd make different choiCES. Nothing says I might repeat the same exact miSTAKES. ( The tension in his shoulders slowly starts to work itself out, little by little. Not quite out of the woods, but. ) Are you speaking from personal experiENCE?

[ That's how it goes. But she and Natsume are still worlds apart, and there's that silence that follows again. What the mind forgets, the heart remembers... but sometimes, you aren't able to forget. ]

That's the tricky part, isn't it? You can't know what you don't remember, and you can't tell the difference when you have no comparison.

[ You just open your eyes and see the tallies on your wrist, knowing what they represent but not how they got there. ]

I hold on tight to what I believe in, and as long as that belief does not waver, any changes can only build a better future. I trust myself to be better.

( He's curious how many she has. How many Hiro has. If they match, because they're twins, or if one has more for some reason or another... but he won't ask, now. Just because he showed his doesn't mean anything, and he suddenly becomes aware of how hot the sun is beating down on him, his double layers of summer short-sleeves and black turtleneck beneath it.

Natsume carefully tugs his long sleeves down again, just as inconspicuous as ever, and steps— to her right side so he can still see her a little bit with his left eye, but with some distance between them. The shade is nicer, at least.

He thinks about the weight of her silence as much as he thinks about her words and turns his face towards her slightly, mouth quirking up again as he looks down at her a bit. She's shorter than him, he has to. )

You're quite a strong little wolf, aren't YOU. I knew I was right in calling you ONE. ( Did he know at the time? ...Maybe not, but he's not usually wrong about people; he'll count it as a win. There's a lull as he opens his mouth, then shuts it and shakes his head. She trusts herself to be better, but that doesn't mean she trusts other people to be. Her belief probably doesn't lay in others either...

It really has been a waste offering her his services, at least in her eyes, hasn't it? He shouldn't offer it again, especially with his confessions, but he still wants to. It's important for people to know they're not alone, even if one of the alternatives is someone who doesn't remember. ) You say it so confidently it makes me want to believe in YOU... So I WILL.

( ...and if she ever needs a magician she knows who to call—

a sigh, though. They're dead, huh. Which means graduation is... trying again, maybe. Why is he a second year—does he have more to learn compared to the current third years? Subaru's one of those; is there some difference between them? )

Thank YOU. ( A little rushed, to get it out. ) And I'm sorRY.

( For having to help untangle... all of that. Even while he's still thinking it over. )

Edited 2021-09-10 07:23 (UTC)

[ It's harder with him standing next to her; she can't see what expression he's making, and she's too aware that he's right there, and she keeps wanting to turn to talk to him face to face but instead she has to train her eyes out to the horizon, at the gentle slope of treetops that rise towards the sky.

She thinks of saying she doesn't need anybody to tell her she's strong, or to praise her confidence, or to believe in her, but those sorts of things goes without saying. Meaningless. ...but still nice to hear. ]

Why are you sorry?

[ The clouds look a little darker in the horizon. Hopefully it'll rain soon. ]

Only be sorry for things you regret.

( She doesn't have to do that, she could look back at him... but he likes looking at her profile, too. Either way works for him. )

You shouldn't have to bear the burden of my confuSION, though I'm grateful you helped me find the answer anyWAY. ( Or the burden of his fear, or his uncoolness... He has an image to keep up in front of people and where is it now, this sucks. ) I don't regret speaking to YOU, but I do know right from wrong when it comes to other peoPLE.

( Does he always consider it? Not really, but he's considering it right now, for her. )

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