adsum | npc contact.1

( Ordinarily he'd celebrate people who do the same as him, but he gets the feeling that maybe, they're really doing it for the same reason as him.

It isn't anyone's business.

He almost looks when she commands him like that, but he doesn't; he waits for his heart to return to normal pace and looks back up, expression schooled neutral but wariness plain in his eyes. )

I think we're already DEAD, every last one of US, and that this is simply some sort of purgatoRY. To graduate is to simply reincarNATE, to be given the chance to try aGAIN. Eventually all return to these halls and go through the cycle aGAIN. And to die here ( or to be killed here ) means you lose your CHANCE.

( But maybe not permanently. Nao's alive, but had she ever really been dead? Well and truly dead, or just put into a stasis—the only way someone could save her after something so terrible had been committed against her? Maybe he should have asked her how long she's had her tally. )

[ Maya is quiet, watching Natsume more than she is paying close attention to his words, although she is listening. There's no change in her expression through all of it, nothing to indicate agreement or disagreement, no confirmation of whether he's right or wrong.

She's silent for a moment longer after he stops speaking, before she starts to. ]

And what part are you so frightened of? The possibility of being dead? Reincarnation? Or not being able to?

( There's only one thing he's been working towards this whole time: returning to whence he came, resuming his work, being with his unit—because it's where he belongs. Even if now he isn't going to be exactly the same, him without being him.

The answer is obvious. It's simple. People here cull the herd to graduate, but for him, all he wanted was to live, and so— )

Being DEAD.

( Is that stupid? He can't accept it, not when Chiaki Kudo is dead because he didn't want to be. )

[ There's that silence that follows his words again, as if Maya were carefully choosing what she wants to say, more so than she usually does. ]

What part about being dead?

[ For a lot of people, it's the uncertainty of what comes after death, but here they are. For others, it's never being able to see their loved ones again, but graduation holds the promise otherwise. ]

( Don't be so cautious, Maya... It puts him on edge, like she's deciding how to deliver news he might not be ready to hear.

Is there ever a specific part? There's a lot of them—he isn't afraid of dying but he's afraid of leaving things undone or unsaid, of not being able to watch over carefully planted seeds and being able to help them grow in the way he wants them to. )

The part where I can't go back to how everything was before I DIED.

( Never mind the, well, the obvious. )

I have too many things left unfinished—reGRETS, I suppose anyone would call THEM. I've been trying to understand this school and how we came to be here so that we—I—could find a way BACK, whatever the cost might BE, to return to our ordinary LIVES. So that I could return to Sora and Senpai, and...

( ... )

Does it matter what part of being dead scares ME, or are you just stalling for TIME?

No, it doesn't matter what part scares you. [ At least this question, she can answer without hesitation. ] The consideration is still important, however.

[ The thinking matters, not turning away matters, acceptance matters. And it's something that takes time; this isn't a conversation that can be rushed. ]

If all of this is true, and you are able to go back, would you live any differently than you had before? Having regrets is at odds to wanting everything to go back to how it was.

( Would he live any differently?

...No, but that's because he doesn't know if living that way is what culminated in a death—but if he's here, and if being "here" means being "dead," then something in the way he lived must have contributed to it. Natsume presses his lips together, covers his tallies with a hand without thinking about it. His shoulders are one tight, tense line, and he can't seem to shake it. )

"How it was" is that I was aLIVE, working to better my seniors' names at SCHOOL, working to provide a perfect stage for my uNIT, working to make the tiny, weak agency we've signed onTO, that we control thanks to Senpai's manageMENT, into one that can rival the others under Ensemble Square's banNER. But if I died in the middle of doing all of THAT, if any of that contributed to my being HERE, then—

( Would he?

The answer is stuck in his throat. There's so much good in all of that. So much for everyone, for Sora, for himself. It isn't just about him when it comes to what he's doing at home: it's manipulative and greedy but it's for the sake of other people. Maybe not what amounts to the revision of history at school, though, he's aware that's selfish but even his seniors deserved to be celebrated instead of recorded as monsters—

He pushes past it. )

I'd have TO. ( Natsume guesses it isn't a matter of what he wants; it's what he needs to do. He didn't give up his eyesight because he wanted to, no more than he killed someone and intended to hide it because he wanted to, no more than he's played nice with people he'd otherwise detest, no more than... ) But that'd depend entirely on if I'd know about what happens after dying if I'm able to reTURN, or if I knew exactly what caused IT. If I forget everything HERE, everyone HERE, or I'm unable to learn the truth of what hapPENED, then I'm liable to make the same mistakes that lead me to THIS.

And then it'd just rePEAT, over and oVER. ( To drown in the futility of it all. ) ...Is that an acceptable TAKE, Maya?

[ ...It really is a whole different world that Natsume lives in, but she'd always known that. She knew it from the first time he spoke with her, how utterly incomprehensible he is in everything he says and does and believes— is what she thought, anyways, line of her lips thinning at the resignation, eyes darting up in surprise at the usage of her name, though she looks away after, and then is forced to look at him again because that's what she does when she talks. ]

It's passable. [ ... ] Sakasaki.

[ But she also shakes her head, because she does not believe in futility, or giving into it. ]

Even if you forget and make the same mistakes, things will not happen exactly the same as before. Your actions and your feelings affect and shape you, your soul, in ways you are not always conscious of. Every time you take a life, or lose one, it is bound to leave a mark, for better or for worse. As long as you experience, you will change.

[ And as long as he changes, makes a different choice here and there, the spiral won't go on forever. ]

( Okay, that gets him to smile a bit—the way she reacts to her name is cute, and he knows it's because he rarely ever uses it for her, especially unadorned.

But he listens to her carefully, the smile quietly fading from his face but not his eyes, tucked in the corners of them. )

What the mind forGETS, the heart rememBERS... Isn't that how it GOES? ( Something like that; muscle memory but for feelings. Heart, soul, it's all the same: it's the core of you.

And he thinks about something he told Stephanie, long ago, that no matter what happened here, she would still be her; and he thinks about what he told Subaru not all that long ago, that regardless of what he's been through now and sacrificed now he's still him... There are still inalienable traits that make them who they are.

It doesn't have to be at odds with what Maya's saying, either. He can still be a glutton for information and someone who desires to bring a smile to people's faces, and still have learned innately from what he's experienced here, whether or not he really remembers it. It's a hopeful thought, though how much he actually believes it is... middling, but it isn't like Maya's ever lied to him, really. Not in any way he can think of, or a way he could prove. She just either answers or she doesn't. Refusing to elaborate past a certain point isn't lying, after all. )

I suppose it's possible that I'd make different choiCES. Nothing says I might repeat the same exact miSTAKES. ( The tension in his shoulders slowly starts to work itself out, little by little. Not quite out of the woods, but. ) Are you speaking from personal experiENCE?

[ That's how it goes. But she and Natsume are still worlds apart, and there's that silence that follows again. What the mind forgets, the heart remembers... but sometimes, you aren't able to forget. ]

That's the tricky part, isn't it? You can't know what you don't remember, and you can't tell the difference when you have no comparison.

[ You just open your eyes and see the tallies on your wrist, knowing what they represent but not how they got there. ]

I hold on tight to what I believe in, and as long as that belief does not waver, any changes can only build a better future. I trust myself to be better.

( He's curious how many she has. How many Hiro has. If they match, because they're twins, or if one has more for some reason or another... but he won't ask, now. Just because he showed his doesn't mean anything, and he suddenly becomes aware of how hot the sun is beating down on him, his double layers of summer short-sleeves and black turtleneck beneath it.

Natsume carefully tugs his long sleeves down again, just as inconspicuous as ever, and steps— to her right side so he can still see her a little bit with his left eye, but with some distance between them. The shade is nicer, at least.

He thinks about the weight of her silence as much as he thinks about her words and turns his face towards her slightly, mouth quirking up again as he looks down at her a bit. She's shorter than him, he has to. )

You're quite a strong little wolf, aren't YOU. I knew I was right in calling you ONE. ( Did he know at the time? ...Maybe not, but he's not usually wrong about people; he'll count it as a win. There's a lull as he opens his mouth, then shuts it and shakes his head. She trusts herself to be better, but that doesn't mean she trusts other people to be. Her belief probably doesn't lay in others either...

It really has been a waste offering her his services, at least in her eyes, hasn't it? He shouldn't offer it again, especially with his confessions, but he still wants to. It's important for people to know they're not alone, even if one of the alternatives is someone who doesn't remember. ) You say it so confidently it makes me want to believe in YOU... So I WILL.

( ...and if she ever needs a magician she knows who to call—

a sigh, though. They're dead, huh. Which means graduation is... trying again, maybe. Why is he a second year—does he have more to learn compared to the current third years? Subaru's one of those; is there some difference between them? )

Thank YOU. ( A little rushed, to get it out. ) And I'm sorRY.

( For having to help untangle... all of that. Even while he's still thinking it over. )

Edited 2021-09-10 07:23 (UTC)

[ It's harder with him standing next to her; she can't see what expression he's making, and she's too aware that he's right there, and she keeps wanting to turn to talk to him face to face but instead she has to train her eyes out to the horizon, at the gentle slope of treetops that rise towards the sky.

She thinks of saying she doesn't need anybody to tell her she's strong, or to praise her confidence, or to believe in her, but those sorts of things goes without saying. Meaningless. ...but still nice to hear. ]

Why are you sorry?

[ The clouds look a little darker in the horizon. Hopefully it'll rain soon. ]

Only be sorry for things you regret.

( She doesn't have to do that, she could look back at him... but he likes looking at her profile, too. Either way works for him. )

You shouldn't have to bear the burden of my confuSION, though I'm grateful you helped me find the answer anyWAY. ( Or the burden of his fear, or his uncoolness... He has an image to keep up in front of people and where is it now, this sucks. ) I don't regret speaking to YOU, but I do know right from wrong when it comes to other peoPLE.

( Does he always consider it? Not really, but he's considering it right now, for her. )

[ It's okay. He never has to worry about ruining his image in front of Maya because it was never very good to begin with. Just like how she wonders whether he really knows right from wrong when it comes to her, but thinks he at least knows the wrongs, because he prods at those every time they talk. ]

...You went to the best person you could think of.

[ Natsume get better friends challenge ]

And I know you will make it up to me.

( It's called testing boundaries... But he does know right, because right would be "not wasting her time" and he just decides that's not happening. Give him credit.

Also: according to Maya they're not friends so he can't get a better one, he just needs more people he trusts who aren't also like, five seconds away from a breakdown from some bad news. )

I'm touched by the faith you have in ME. ( but he does try to keep things even between him and others, so that's only fair. ) Does that mean you really think I can help you in some WAY?

( After so many months of saying she doesn't really? )

[ everybody... get better mental health challenge... ]

I know you hate being in debt. You're tenacious, so you'll find a way regardless of what I think.

( watch him drop this knowledge at the next family meeting and whoever handles it best gets to be one of his soundboards. shuichi should also be in his list above i just forgot rina if you're reading this thread 1. don't and 2. natsume still thinks shuichi is on his level i promise )

You can just say YES. I won't make fun of YOU, I proMISE ♪

[ She turns around and stomps on his foot ]

You promise and lie in the same breath, Sakasaki.

( AKSKKDLF ow but he's chuckling, hold on-- )

I'm not making fun of you, hoNEST.

( it's hard to believe him when he's laughing but take him at his word... )

[ Another lie and promise in the same breath. Maya stomps on his other foot, to make things even. ]

( this is literally the worst she does to him )

Stop THAT— ( He puts his hands on her shoulders, but only to keep her at a distance. ) There's a difference between making fun of someone and laughing because they're...

( ...being cute... )

...reacting in an amusing WAY. ( Safer answer, comparatively. He waits a heartbeat to make sure she's not going to immediately step on his feet again before he lifts his hands off her shoulder again, brushing the tips of her hair as he draws back. ) I only tease you some of the TIME, Little Wolf. I was just reassuring you that you can be honest with me if I can be honest with YOU. That's how friendships—no, relationships in general operate, isn't IT?

[ for now

The frown deepens on her face when he touches her shoulders, but she doesn't pull away, instead glaring at Natsume to be the one to take his hands back. Her hair tickles when it falls back across her face. ]

I have always been honest with you. [ Saying only what she wants to say and nothing more does not constitute a lie. ] You can stand to extend the same courtesy to me.

[ Neither friendships nor relationships in general operate on pure truths, this she knows all too well. It creates a foundation, though, and hers and Natsume's... ]

If you needed help, ask me and I will help. If you needed somebody to listen, I will listen. Don't play coy and say you want to talk "for indeterminate amount of time, about various things." What was I supposed to think?

[ Obviously, that he was going to prattle on and waste her time. He'd given her nothing to work with, but she still came with him. ]

( waiting for you to dm one day like "maya's gonna murder natsume" so i can go "okay, let me know how" )

Contrary to what you might beLIEVE, I didn't call you up here to talk me out of an existential criSIS.

( ...No, it really was just about memories on the fourth floor, and being on the roof with her, since she likes the view. )

My conversations with you never go exactly to PLAN. ( But he doesn't sound mad about it; if anything they just go better, overall, so he can't be. ) If I had told you, "I want to talk about hallucinations I had on the fourth floor of the school that I also purely coincidentally disappeared for a week because of during summer BREAK," what would you have DONE? Once we were done with the fourth floor chatTER, you would've LEFT. We probably wouldn't have even made it up HERE.

( Because that's all the conversation would need to be. And maybe that still would have led into the "are we dead" conversation depending, but who knows. Maybe it wouldn't have, and he could think himself into an early grave in the meanwhile. )

You're right. I would not have even left the classroom.

[ If he were to say it like that???? please ]

But if you simply said that you experienced something strange that you wanted my opinion on, that would have been enough. If you said you wanted to eat together instead of baiting me to an auditorium picnic, that would have been enough.

[ If Natsume cuts out 99.9999% of what he does, everything would be fine, but instead he's like this. ]

You don't have to operate on the extremes, like it's the only way people will see you.

( Natsume tenses, a different type of tension than the one that had wound up before like a spring trap—it's tighter, quicker to come and snapping away quicker, too. Not a gentle fade, but a mouse-trap, and he looks away from her.

Picking at people is only fun if he's the one doing it. )

You're the first person to tell me THAT. The rest of my life has been spent adjacent to or within the entertainment busiNESS. ( Outside of his pronunciation distortion, his voice is flat; it picks up a little bit after, but not by much. ) But don't talk like you know anything about ME, Little Wolf.

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