adsum | npc contact.1

( excuse me!??!?!?!?! he's just sucking the decay off the people around him so they live longer, you WANT him to be around izumi? wtf

he pulls out his list, looking over everything he's written so far, and it looks good enough to him. he slides it over to her accompanied with the slips of wish paper that he took. )

Write these, and also that I wish to hold Lily May more often.

( she's soft. )

Who's Lily May?

[ Sucks to be whoever that is, Chiaki thinks to herself as she looks down his list and frowns a little more the further she gets down the list. ]

What's up with the vagueposting...? Are these really your wishes? You want me to write them with your name and everything?

My wish... I could meet them if it comes true. ( this is the second time her presence has been rejected by a student here, and he should get to the bottom of that now that he thinks about it. ) Or should I ask for one of the cats, which do you think is easiest?

( he stares at the list in her hand while faking like he's thinking about what he wants done. he already knows the answer, so after a few seconds he'll shake his head. he'll add to her idea, though: )

Nope, they're just for variety! If these are put up, someone in the school will think that someone cares for them, and that'll bring them hope in a way... ah, to see what wavering spirits solidify with confidence... that too is a hope.

( it's the truth, but it's also a lie. )

So it's bait. That's such a roundabout way of doing it, Komaeda. That's so troublesome.

[ Maybe it'll work, but damn if Chiaki would never think to do this herself, she would've just gone to those people in question and told them what's what. ]

And this one about being loved?

[ What's that got to do with hope ]

Come now, Kudo-san... I'll do anything to see hope flourish in this school!

( there's something about each and every wish, and luckily for him, he's satisfied that he doesn't have to explain more than he has to. well, that's until she points at a specific one, and it doesn't surprise him none considering the type of romantic chiaki is.

he doesn't mind it, so he decides to explain despite this request being a wish he wanted such a long time ago. )

Isn't that sort of feeling nice... ( he speaks softly, mostly to himself, but he does well in directing the question to her. ) To be loved by someone?

Edited (you ever type words but your animal comes to mess with you so you forget to delete said word and) 2021-06-10 05:52 (UTC)

Then you should've run for student council.

[ She takes the slips of paper and starts copying down the wishes, though, leaving the name and class blank it feels weird? it feels weird attributing these wishes to Komaeda. It feels even weirder imagining herself as the author, with each pen stroke of "I want to be loved" ]

Is it? I dunno. I think loving someone's a much nicer feeling— do you have any idea what either of those feel like?

I'm way too worthless for student council... ah, don't you think Ishimaru-kun will do a better job?

( really? chiaki saying something nice? what alien replaced her, or is she too caught up in her love high... to be honest, maybe that's not even a compliment. either way, komaeda did cast in his vote, and it makes him wonder if chiaki would have chosen him had he actually been in the running. it's a short-lived thought as he watches her write every word, and her handwriting is sooo much better than the chicken block scratch or whatever the fuck komaeda had going on. )

Is it?

( he mimics her. he can't agree fully to her curiosity, because once upon a time, komaeda has loved — and that love turned into an unhealthy obsession. his own type of... obsessiveness. in a way, they aren't too different, if only komaeda could realize that. even now, he tries to think of something recent, but it's hard to pinpoint, he guesses saying he loves every ultimate wouldn't satisfy her. )

I love hope with all my heart... ( as if that's a proper answer. ) But to be loved in return... I'm unfamiliar... I really do have the worst luck! ( he isn't disheartened, but he focuses on her. ) You must've experienced both, unlike me.

[ She meant more that Komaeda should've run and gotten torn apart by zombies but when she thinks about it, Ishimaru would do a good job in the student council. That's not something to be happy about, though. ]

Yeah. And that's not bad luck you have, that's you being delusional. Love is for another person! The entire person! A whole person! You can't just love an aspect— and an aspect can't love you back!

...I love every Ultimate here, if that's what you mean. It's the purest form of love that I have, and I'd give anything to see them all succeed.

( and if that love of his means that he has to die for them, then so be it. it's because they all represent hope, and even chiaki's hope is shimmering as ever so he's excited to see how she fares with everyone else. )

Loving hope... that's all I've had, and all I ever will.

( he pauses, looking at the wish slip she writes on. )

Loving someone else... to see myself loved... no on wants that with me. I've accepted it, Kudo-san... I am jealous you are able to... have feelings like this in general.

Okay, see, that sounds like a love a parent has for their child.

[ Giving everything they have for the sake of success? That's parenthood.

She frowns a little at the wish slip, the one about love, and adds Komaeda's name to the end of it. ]

Not everybody love loves, though, and that's fine too. Do you just want the experience, or what? I can give that to you, 'cause it feels like dying.

[ That's what being in love feels like... dying... ]

( love a parent gives their child? he raises his brow in confusion, a little taken aback by her words. he doesn't think that's the case, but there's been many times he became irritable when they waffled and waited for the answers to their problems. he's never been the type to hold their hand the entire duration of their predicament, but... isn't that love something you'd give to anyone?

he's been watching her this entire time, so to see his name labeled on it causes him to chuckle. is that what he gets for lacking empathy for others? chiaki, someone honest with her feelings, and who appears to have a knack for understanding them. komaeda gets it to a degree, it's to escalate his hope! )

What about my life that I have no recollection of... did I achieve love in them? If so, there's really no need to help me here, I'm happy the way I am.

( she did say she knew izumi since middle school. he plays along with it too. )

My past should have that sort of thing to himself, and... ( he taps the wish slip since his attention is still on it. ) is that your wish, Kudo-san?

( he takes a wish slip, starting to write her name on top as he waits for her response. ) Do you want the pain to stop?

I dunno. It's not like I paid any attention to you. Ask somebody who would know.

[ Weirdo. As if he's talking about two different people, the self he remembers and the self he doesn't, and with his dementia that must means he's continually splintering and inconsequentially leaving old selves behind— there's something about that that she dislikes, but she doesn't want to think too hard about Komaeda to bother with it. ]

Geez... Your handwriting really sucks. Is it 'cause your writing hand got chopped off?

[ She takes that slip of paper and crumples it up into a ball and rewrites her own name and slides it back over to Komaeda. ]

But nah, I'm not in any pain. I'm doing what I want, and I'm happy.

Ah, I thought we had history so you'd know something about it.

( memories that he doesn't know, pieces of him that doesn't make sense, and he doesn't understand any of it. he knows they aren't his memories, the mere thought of them are fabricated, and maybe his time in the simulation built him to think like this. that's an excuse, but his dementia makes it even worse, so what does he know? )

Oh! I didn't need to write anything at the time. ( you know, he was giving hope by making despair, and stuff like that. he opens and closes his prosthetic as she takes the wish slip so that the soft whirring sound is heard, hm, actually it isn't because of his hand — he's always written like that. )

I was right, your handwriting is pretty nice, thank you. ( with it back in his possession, he stares at the area where the wish would go, and then his eyes lift to stare at chiaki. ) "It feels like dying," is what you said... but it's nice.

( having someone or something to die for... it makes him smile. )

Our history is you being a pest. A roach who won't die, the sort that flies and gets everywhere.

[ It's honestly not much different from now, if she thinks about it, finishing up the last of the wishes and laying them out in a neat row so the ink can dry without smearing. ]

You really don't know what it's like, do you? "It feels like dying," but at the same time, you never feel as alive as in the moment that you're dying. That's what love feels like.

Yep, that's me!

( as soon as she finishes, he thinks on her wish, and what he comes to is "i wish to die over, over and over again as long as it's with him." is that what he should put? because that's what he's putting. it has her name on it so if she finds izumi that irresistible, and if it's a good feeling... shouldn't she have that chance to fall in love with him over and over. )

Then I'll make sure if I find a loved one, I'll die with them.

( that's not the point she was making, and he knows that. he only says this like because he doesn't want to appear like he understands. in a way, when he was younger, that moment was a special one, and his heart skips a beat momentarily as he thinks on it. that was hope he met that night, but she's insistent that he can't love an aspect... he's capable, even when he felt like dying literally. )

Thank you, I've learned a lot today. You're truly a romantic at heart... that sort of thing gives you hope... ( honestly, she should offer her services to people who are having love troubles. ) A future to look forward to?

[ Other people's love troubles are a lost cause, she doesn't care for that. She's also going to take that wish he wrote and crumble it up, because she's not about that either. ]

You got it wrong, it's not like that. The future's gonna come when it comes, but for me, I'm busy enjoying the present. You going on about hope, that's all future stuff— for you, the present becomes the past and then you've got dementia and you forget about it anyways, so I don't get the point of it at all.

( as soon as the wish is taken, he wonders where he went wrong — it's pretty obvious, and he could have scratched it out for something else. )

...My life expectancy isn't that long.

( this is said simply, like it's a known fact between them. ) I want to help cultivate hope between all of you so that the future is something to enjoy, for what it is now... it's almost depressing.

( is it wrong to want to do something for others... yeah, given the fact that komaeda doesn't really listen to their wants, and instead does what he thinks they need. ) I've said before... I do like the state of your hope so far, it's not as weak as others.

None of ours is.

[ Chiaki vc: you're not special ]

If you have hope for the future, have hope for the present. They're practically the same thing. The present's great! I have fun every day, and you should learn to do the same!

When are you dying, Kudo-san?

( listen, he may have came out the tube, but he still thinks his cancer will take him out. his expectancy is half a year to a year. )

It's pretty funny to hear you say something like this to me. ( he stares at the wish slips, and then his eyes fall onto the one where his name is written. ) I really don't deserve it, so by being able to help everyone else... I'm able to have fun during the present.

Why do you— that's a general "you"— have to deserve things? Why not just do what you want?

[ It's a better way of living, in her opinion, and clears up the conscience for more important things like daydreaming about Izumi. ]

I don't plan on dying until I get bored of living, and that's not gonna happen anytime soon.

That sort of life truly does reflect your attitude, and the way you approach the world as a whole.

( to live her own life to the fullest without worrying about what she deserves or not as long as she's happy. that's a life that komaeda doesn't understand nor he can live — he doesn't deserve anything, he hasn't done anything to, even his existence is problematic enough that if he deserves anything... it should be death. even as he thinks these things, he can't help but smile as he continues to look at her. )

Hm... I wish for you to continue living such a... ( delusional ) special life, it's perfect in your eyes, that's what I think.

( that sort of hope chiaki has can be lasting, but he knows that it's not enough to change reality. )

[ She laughs a little ]

You sound like my grandma.

[ Well wishes for her to live a full life... A pointless wish, seeing as she's going to fill it herself regardless. Either way, she slides over the stack of wishes after deeming them sufficiently dry enough. ]

There. Now if I catch you anywhere near Sena for the next 24 hours, I'm cutting off your feet.

I've never been called someone's family before... I wouldn't compare me to her, especially if you want her to live long.

( watch, if she's not dead already, chiaki's going to get a phone call... in the foreseeable future. it's a little troublesome though, to say something like that to her, but if this is the sort of hope she cherishes, then she can. that doesn't stop komaeda from enabling others to the sort of hope he believes they're interested in — ever have that annoying guy who you don't want help from, but they help anyway? that's him. )

...

( he takes the slips of wishes from her, each one unnamed correctly except for one, and that one he picks up first to stuff into his pocket. the rest of them are in his hand now because he needs to hang those up immediately, but as he stands up next to his chair to pocket those too. he pauses in thought, looking towards the door. )

You live a life where you don't believe people need to deserve... I think the effort that's given to the world can make things hopeful, because then people will recognize you.

( she's just an untalented individual, so he understands that she wouldn't get it. )

That way, you'll feel worthy, and deserving of the love that people give... isn't that what you want from Sena-kun?

[ me thinking about how Chiaki had said that Komaeda and Izumi were the same, that doesn't bode well for Izumi ]

Nnnno? I told you, there's no deserving or not deserving. I'm gonna be recognized by the world and loved by the world whether I deserve it or not. As for Sena...

[ Wishes finished, so goes back to her easel and her canvas. ]

I'm gonna immortalize him. So people are gonna love him no matter.

( stop they're both an art that can only be valued by certain people, chiaki isn't wrong for her thoughts! )

...

( immortalize him? why are all the first years like... broken in the head, alright. you know what, she wins that one, even komaeda claps his hands together. )

Freeze him immediately while he's still young.

npc contact.1

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