adsum | npc contact.1

[It's not so much of a leap because at least Noah can imagine a pistachio being cracked, and he's smart enough to at least grasp the concept. Still, he's a stubborn kid, and no matter how many times he's been told to share his problems with others, he still believes wholeheartedly that they're not worth talking about.]

Mine aren't something people can deal with. Not people here. I'd rather help others with their problems at the end of the day anyway. It's easier to just... black out and forget about my own problems. I mean, I guess that analogy makes sense somehow, but I've always flown solo. Or... mostly solo. It's always been me versus the world, just in general.

Sounds like you have some huge burdens on your shoulders. But chipping away at smaller problems makes the large one not so large...

[ Like when Hyde ate his pistachios, shells and all. Saved him the trouble of cleaning up. He's going to miss Hyde. ]

"Mostly," though. "In general." You do have people who you let help... or otherwise those who will help despite your wishes.

[Hyde stabbed Noah in the face. Noah will not miss Hyde.

Anyway, he slumps forward in his seat, resting his head on the back of it, in that way people do when they're realising someone is right and giving up a bit.]

...yeah, I guess I do. It's not exactly like I can stop them. But this, [Hyde's death, he means,] isn't something anyone can help with. It wasn't even supposed to happen. I guess that's where I'm stuck the most. I hate people like Hyde who attack and hurt others indiscriminately, but that wasn't... my judgement to pass.

[ A little smile tugs at the corner of the counselor's lips when Noah admits to having people, that he carefully removes from his face so Noah doesn't think he's being smug or anything. ]

But you didn't kill him because of that hate, did you? You didn't seek personally him out to end his life. You did what you did because...?

...he attacked me first. I tried to talk him out of it and stay on the defensive in case he'd listen, but... he was too persistent. I got the life kicked out of me, [skipping over the part where he actually did die and his brother's Magic Time Rock rescued him from that fate,] and my only choice was to end his life.

I just don't think it was fair. He had another... soul? In him? I think? So that one had to die too, because I couldn't talk Hyde out of trying to kill me.

[At the end of the day, it's the guilt that eats him the most.]

Hyde not cooperating isn't your failing, Noah. You are not responsible for his actions, nor he for yours.

[ Jekyll, though... that's where the problem lies. Somebody innocent, whose life was lost as collateral damage, whose death can not be justified as self defense. ]

Hyde had a hostage, making what happened inherently unfair. But you still had no choice, if you wanted to live.

I usually don't, is the thing.

[As Noah often says, his life ends when he gets revenge for his brother, but that's something that'll happen back home, away from whatever the hell this place is.]

It was like a switch flipped on in the last moments of our fight and I decided that I still had to carry on. If not for myself, then for others. I'm alive for one purpose. It doesn't stop me from feeling guilty. If... if I hadn't killed him, he might have come after someone else, and as much as I can't stand that, it still wasn't my judgement to pass. Especially if one of the souls lost hadn't done anything.

You said so yourself: the alternative would have been your life, and the lives of others.

[ The will to live, especially, should never be something to feel guilty about. ]

I know that knowledge doesn't ease your guilt, but you did your best in the situation presented to you, where all options involve loss. It was not a situation you could "win," or achieve a "perfect score." That is not how life works.

[Ugh, he haaates it when logic gets thrown back at him... Do not perceive him, just let him be a tunnel-vision kid who thinks the world works in Only One Certain Way, thank you.

Noah slumps further. At this point, the risk of falling out of his chair is high.]

...I guess not. I guess it makes sense, but... No offense, I feel like that's rich coming from one of the faculty members of this place. Hyde is Hyde, but there are others killing, aren't there? I doubt they're all killing in self-defense. Do you have these sorts of comforting conversations with everyone who walks through the door?

[ Should've picked the beanbag chair. He can, if he can will himself upright again. The slumping makes that flicker of a smile pass over the counselor's face again, though, before it hidden behind the act of eating a banana chip to fill the silence. ]

No offence taken.

[ He's stabbed before too, and not in self defense. ]

I can't speak of details without breaking patient confidentiality, but you are right. There are those who don't feel remorse, there are those who feel justified in their actions, there are those who want nothing more than to forget and wash their hands clean. People are people; they will have their own personal reasons. [ Eats a banana chip to break up this wall of text ] So, no, I do not have these sorts of conversations with everybody. Not everybody is open to it, and I cannot force the matter. Did it help at all?

[Cannot force the matter... hmph. Sure.]

I... guess so, yeah. It answered the question. What I'm still lost on is why there are things like people treating murder as normal here. It's not right. I guess I don't know everyone's backgrounds or where they come from, but nothing has happened to the people who kill others. Aren't you, or whoever's in charge, just perpetuating the cycle by letting people like that walk free?

Would you rather we execute them on sight? There are those who will bring about that sort of "justice" with their own hands, if they catch whiff of a killer.

[ Vigilantes, in the full sense of the word, when all the counselor does is talk. ]

...It isn't right. But each circumstance is different. You feel guilty for the deaths you've caused, but are you guilty? Should I cut you down here, where you sit? Would that be just?

I wasn't thinking that extreme, no... imprisonment, maybe?

[Please do not kill Noah again, he's getting really tired of it, actually.]

...I know about those sorts of people. I think they're just as guilty as anyone else, but what I'm trying to get across is that I don't think it's fair to let people off with a slap on the wrist. Especially the people that are more inclined to kill randomly and with no mercy.

Some would think school is imprisonment enough.

[ Ha ha. That's a joke. He does not laugh, though, but looks somewhat thoughtful. ]

Many are still children, and depriving them of their education is not an ideal situation either, especially as a school. We are not law enforcement, and we are not a justice system either. Personally, my job is to help a person understand their way of thinking, to correct what's out of alignment.

[ This is just a job, okay. He sits here, he eats, he talks. ]

Those who kill randomly and without mercy need guidance more than imprisonment, don't you think?

[Ha ha. Yes, yes, very funny. Noah finally sits up properly in the chair, stops slumping, Elria forbid he fucks up his back at age 16.]

Yeah, I've never met someone who does what you do. [What's mental healthcare? Never heard of it.] But... I guess that's true. I wanted to help Komaeda with that specifically. To change his views. But every time we talk, I find myself getting frustrated with him. To be honest, I don't like people like him very much. And... if Hyde's words were anything to go by in the end, he doesn't like people like me.

I just don't get how people can slaughter others with no remorse.

Often times, frustration comes from not understanding. I do what I do by helping both them and myself come to an understanding of why people do what they do. Unconscious thoughts, personal beliefs... Sometimes, the reason is as simple as reaction. People are very interesting.

[ Murderers are so interesting. He really does get a kick out of this job. ]

People like Komaeda and Hyde have their own reasons, which may not align with yours. If you wish to understand them, try to empathize with them. But make it clear: you can understand and empathize, without agreeing and supporting.

[Dammit, this guy and his worldly adult advice about how people think differently and that Noah's life won't be a microcosm of people who think the exact same way about the exact same shit. Sigh.]

I guess that's true, but... [But what if he doesn't wanna do that, what if he just wants everything to go his way?] ...Whatever. So, you only meet with people when they kill someone? What about after? Do I show up for repeat sessions?

[ Luckily for him, the counselor is a strong supporter of doing whatever the fuck you want, so Noah can continue being whatever and he won't push it. The idea is planted; that's all his job is to do. ]

Do you want to? My door is open to you if you think you may benefit, or we can end our session here if you think you will not. I can only help those who wish to be helped, after all.

[ Essentially, he can get up and leave at any time. If he wants to keep talking but the school day's over, he'll be invited back. But if he walks out early, that's it, the counselor will be busy the next time Noah tries the door and won't answer. ]

npc contact.1

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