adsum | npc contact.1

( look, as far as sidney's concerned, she's the best artist in the school right now, and he's very fond of those bees. still, it's hard to carry a conversation with someone you can't hear or see... and he's admittedly getting tired. but he doesn't want to leave her behind again. all he can do is... guess. )

Clamor or I can take you, if you want. I'll talk to him about it. ... He's incredibly fond of you.

[ It's pity because it's pitiful— he's pitiful, the fifteen year old him who tried and tried and tried and this is what he amounted to. All that hope he provided, that courageous will, whatever challenges he put them through, it's easy to say when you're not that person, and it's even easier to say post mortem, not before, when it matters.

Thoughts he keeps to himself. But the thoughts of himself...

He breathes a laugh, humorless. ]

I used to be so much more hopeful, didn't I? What happened... [ He tried soooo hard. He did everything he could. He did it because he had to, because if he didn't then nobody would. ] Back then, I really did think everything would work out.

And then I died. All that effort, and for what?

[ He gives a little shake of his head, chews at his cheek until he tastes blood, then continues. ]

You and I experienced different endings, Nagito. Maybe all of you became stronger for it. But for me, I didn't want to see this memory ever again. I didn't want to remember. I didn't want to see it every time I close my eyes. And for you guys to dig all that up and—-!

[ A frustrated sigh gets forced through gritted teeth to reel himself back from the verge of yelling. ]

I locked that memory away because otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to stand on my own again. To get out of bed every day. I did it so I could keep living whatever "life" this is here. Everybody grew more hopeful because of that memory? Good for them. But this isn't about them.

[ Basically, fuck y'all for invading that private memory of his. I wish he had angrier icons. ]

[ Please... Senku or some sciency person or maybe somebody with plain common sense, please do something about that wolf head before it starts to smell.

Which is also the reason he shakes his head, and pinches his nose after. FORMALDEHYDE IS THE WORST... It's stomach turning and the smell lingers all day. He could never work with it. ]

( this man got mood swings what's his sign. )

...If you're that distraught, why not take your anger out on me? It'd serve no purpose if you contain what you're feeling.

( visible wounds, he could dig his fingers into them, he probably already has from speaking about that memory — he knew, he always knew, and now he finds himself thrown into a whirlwind of pain and anger. it's easy to tell from his reactions, how he sighs, the tone of his voice, the irritation audible through those clipped responses. should komaeda feel bad? or should he just listen? why does he go out his way for an untalented individual who not only watered down his hope, is accusing them for something they couldn't help. )

You've got that wrong — we don't know why it was yours specifically, but the person you are now is molded from your past experiences. That can never change, it's human nature to regret, to feel scared, to feel as if the world is against you... but it's something you must overcome, use to your advantage, and you have...

( ...it's always about hope with him, but it's all that he has, something he wants to continue sharing with him. he worries for if it wavers, but this moment too can be used to help his hope, make it into something stronger, but these thoughts only linger for so long until his mouth parts, closes, then parts again with a sigh. he thought that for once, rokkun could have people around him unlike how he keeps his distance, he wanted him to have a taste of something he never had before. this is komaeda's fault for even speaking up on a matter, but better him than anyone else.

this messy, conflicted side of rokkun that he's being shown to, is it a little selfish of him that he's able to see it. )

Before that memory, with the time that we've... spent here, I have always praised your hope. Even in that memory, even though I was unsure... I still wanted to see it move forward, but it was by your body that moved, in that memory it was... the decision made to not give up.

...

Of course! It would be my pleasure.

[she says it with certainty, from her heart. if they want to make this step, then she'll do what she can to have them feel as welcome as she's declared they'll be. and by all odds, there'll be someone else they know as well.]

...I don't think I ever properly introduced myself to you, though. I'm Helena Adams, and it's nice to meet you.

[that'll be easier than going "hey you", right?]

[ There's a little puff of breath, a sigh of relief that gets released when Helena agrees to it, and then that initial cheer and energy is back in their voice full force. ]

Thanks, Helena! I'm going to hold you to it, so you'd better be there!

[ ...There's no offer of their name. ]

Like what?

[ He's stupid.

But also, he's just going to follow behind Akki like a big puppy. Grr... bark bark... if anyone stares for too long he'll glare back. ]

[ Oh, he wants to throttle somebody real bad but he will not. All he can do is clench his fists and let his nails dig into his palms and seethe, because he knows they didn't go prodding around by choice— why would they? they don't know him, they don't care about him, and he hasn't made enemies of them yet. The darkness, the falling, the pain, the death, the blood... They would have gotten out the first chance they got, if they were able to. He knows he know he knows but still...

They still saw what they had no business seeing, and he's still furious he's made to remember against his will. The person he is now, standing here with gritted teeth and blood pooling in his mouth, is the person who did not remember; that was the experience that he built himself upon. A person who never failed so spectacularly, a person who was brimming with confidence and only knew to look forward because he's never had the world vanish under his feet before. Never plunged into darkness, never felt so lost, or hopeless, or scared. ]

I never— [ His voice cracks, but he pushes through. ] ever gave up. I hadn't.

[ He had made sure of that. He knew he had a baby brother, a little sister, he knew he had to go back home to them, and that he had to graduate to be able to do so. Even with nothing to fill in the blanks, he could hang this wish up in front of him and move forward because of it. He'll go home. He'll see his family again. And he'll remember.

He didn't need to remember. ]

( Caught in the atmosphere, huh. It felt too real for that—it was too real for that. He tugs at the sleeve of his left arm idly, uncomfortable with fabric on his tally marks. )

And if you see anything WEIRD? ( He pauses in front of the door, hand resting on the knob. It probably just feels like a regular one now, but he remembers how warm it was. ) Like LIGHTS, guiding you through darkness as if they were the STARS.

( he wasn't going to ask clamor to teach him fireball magic to impress girls but there's nothing wrong with multiuse magic...

He can't imagine Hiro not being quiet, so he's going to assume that means he doesn't want to talk about the past. Or maybe he means that Maya's been quiet too, which isn't that surprising. )

She told me you only have each other NOW, so I assume you don't have any other sibLINGS... When did you lose your paRENTS?

( hey why is she embarrassed for him that's rude—

It's not the first or last time he's going to hear the sentiment of "if she talks to you, you're probably fine" about Maya, but it never really feels that way. )

But I'd like to know more about HER. ( He could pass it off just as his regular information gathering thing, but it isn't. Well, it mostly isn't; knowing more about the students here that do stick out in their minds, whether they're their "fellow transfers" or not, might be key to answering the questions that lurk in the back of his mind: what makes them different, what it really means to be awake, what's the true purpose of this school, what is wrong with this place— ) Isn't it natural for a boy to want to get closer to the girl he LIKES?

( ...just...kidding? )

...

( this scene is familiar, the spiral of the past, the same that he had done to hinata a long time ago, but komaeda doesn't feel hatred for his actions, nor does he pity, but trying to find his feelings on the matter is difficult, but he asked at the start if rokkun wanted to have this conversation with him — he gave that choice, so why is this his response. in a way, komaeda feels disappointed as he watches the other, but there's a moment he gives the benefit of the doubt if he really means that he hadn't gave up.

he takes a step forward, it's really like dealing with a child, one who doesn't get their way, and komaeda knows better than to feed into this. he lifts one arm, placing the palm of his hand over the one that the other clenches to get his attention. )

Don't.

( in a situation like this, he watched hinata's descent, the way he could hardly stand, he couldn't stomach the truth of being nothing. the truth of the matter is another story, but komaeda can only focus on the now, the wavering hope, and the ambition and goal that the other feels has been taken away from him. )

If you haven't, I want you to show me that. All I've seen is that the truth did nothing more than weigh you down, but I want to see the you that can overcome anything, the person that has always fought for what they wanted, no matter how messy and desperate they've seen... the idiot that has always told me to look at them, because he wanted me to see what heights he would achieve.

( but there's something about this that doesn't sit with him right, no matter how much he can hype up someone's hope, twist it so that their light shines on them. )

I want you to look at me, Rokkun... ( he exhales, breathy, keeping his grip firm around the other's hand, but he should know that he can pull away at any time. ) I want you to tell me what you want.

[ She's not entirely sure her intention came through, but the mention of Clamor's name makes the pen drop and clatter on the table. Ohhhhhh he's fond of her... Oh that makes her happy, seeing as she likes him a lot AND he can see and hear her.

There's a little tug on Sidney's right sleeve [ how i had to pause and remember which one has an arm, the arm sleeve ] and at the same time the paper shifts. Clamor time. We can show him the drawing, too. ]

( listen its okay i keep forgetting too-- sidney actually laughs when the tugging starts, and though he's slow to stand- is he getting old or is he supposed to be resting right now? he's supposed to be resting. put him back in bed, someone- he lets haruka tug, tug, tug along. )

Alright, alright. I think... he's in our homeroom.

( and if not there, the roof. but oof, he hopes not? he's tired. )

[ This must be what Moses felt like, parting the Red Sea...

Students moving aside like this wouldn't be so terrible if it didn't come with the staring he can feel at his back once they pass. Staring is worse than rumors, though, because at least people won't talk if he's around, presumably, so he powerwalks to the nearest bathroom before slowing down and letting out a breath.

He's tired... ]

( oh, cute, they've got the spirit. amami will lead the way as requested in that case, laughing a bit at komaeda as the other gets added to their little chain, and gives their hand a little squeeze as they make their way to the door, to the courtyard, to trudge past the tree that amami gives as much space as he reasonably can, actually. )

Right, now that we can get past the courtyard, Komaeda-kun thought we should make the most of it.

( and, yeah, that means they're headed exactly where it sounds like. )

[ The atmosphere they got pulled into just unfortunately turned out to be Rokkun's everything I'm sorry.

Maya lets Natsume open the door, taking the chance to glance over at him and then back in front of her. ]

I'd ignore them. I know where I'm going, and don't need a guide.

[ He doesn't have to tell Clamor the reason??

Hiro holds up ten fingers, then flashes another three. Not all that long ago, all things considered, but being mature enough to handle it also comes with that pain and sorrow still being raw, not like a child's memory that's easily forgotten. ]

[ SHE'S SO EMBARRASED FOR HIM ]

Sure, but aren't you better off learning those things from the person themselves? Not that Maya would talk about herself, but there's plenty you can learn just by watching.

[ We're going back to the stalker idea. It's a good idea, she swears. ]

I haven't... why?

[ They look from Komaeda to Amami, successfully distracted, at the cost of squeezing their arm and hand respectively even tighter to make up for not paying attention to what's in front of them.

The tree gives off light as if reflecting the moonlight above, and it would be a comfort if npc-kun didn't feel so uneasy around it.

Their pace picks up a little more, trying to get Amami to walk faster too, so they can go somewhere indoors with every single light flipped on. ]

[ Maybe if she pushes Sidney too hard and he dies he can become a ghost and they'd be able to talk for real, she neither thinks nor says but what if

The enthusiasm she has tapers a bit once they're actually out of the library, though, and while he can feel that pull on his sleeve, he's not being pulled any one direction.

Maybe he can sense eyes on him, ones that are asking which one's their homeroom. ]

Once upon a time, during my school year, I stayed on an island... the palm trees they hung overhead, the way the sun peaked between their leaves. The waterfall's current running into the base, and did you know that applying it to your skin and hair is actually good, it's au natural.

( his words drift into silence as he catches his breath, heart thumping in his chest from the amount he's offered. pale green eyes look down towards npc-kun, not a thought behind that blank gaze of his, but he continues. )

But... The stars.

( he opts out on a few things, but what he's saying is that a stranded island can be exciting to some, but that's not where they're going. as the start of this mission, he had said that they would test the hope of npc-kun, and that's what they'll do. while there, he did find that the stars that reflected off the surface of the ocean was beautiful, even the sea out on jabberwock was able to swallow the moon, and the stars, any galaxy that was visible to everyone. )

Reflected on the surface of water... was a beautiful sight.

( STOP BEING EMBARRASSED FOR HIM )

So we're back to the stalking iDEA. ( ugh ) I'm almost positive she's going to like that as much as she likes talking to ME.

Edited (jk nao was in stasis then :')) 2021-09-07 06:15 (UTC)

[ Komaeda's really out here ruining people's lives and making them cry.

He's not crying, though, even if he feels his eyes burning. The hand on his is cold, but the weight is still a comfort, and that fist slowly loosens and opens under Komaeda's palm.

What does he want? He doesn't know. He thinks of a time when he would have said "you," like an inside joke that's to be laughed off and so he can say what he feels, so he can push that attention away, and so he can wait for a swift rejection and a change in conversation and things to go back to normal. Instead, his thoughts are muddied. He doesn't want anything. He wants too many things. He wants to scream, to cry, to not feel anything at all. He wants to be that Rokuro that Komaeda sees, somebody to be admired. Or the child in the forest who'd gone the other way.

...

He lets out a breath and lifts his head, and then his eyes, and looks at Komaeda. ]

I want what I always have: to graduate, so I can go home to my family.

[ STOP BEING EMBARRASSING ]

Yeah, but this one she doesn't have to know.

[ A good stalker never gets found out. ]

npc contact.1

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